So much..

So much on my mind and going on in my life I cannot seem to find the words for anything. 

Life is busy over here. Feels like I just drive to town (23 miles away) every other day. 

33 year old woman causing drama in my house over my little brother 12 years younger then her. Oh boy was that fun to deal with. 

I just started work two days ago which adds to the to do list but we need the money so I will make it work. 

Then the house is falling apart. lol. I have a cupboard door off, my washer decided it didn't want to spin all the water out anymore unless the washer is only half full, then there are kitchen floor tiles coming up, my carpets look a hot mess and I am worried that when my landlord shows up to turn the sprinklers on he is going to be upset with the look of the place. 

Thank goodness for my friends in this lifestyle that check in on me and keep me sane. My life wouldn't be the same without you!! :)

HOWEVER all that aside (except the friends part. hehe) Sir and I were able to have SEX.. like real sex!! Which means we are getting closer to being able to go back to playtime. Its been a couple months since the last time we played. This girl is going a little nuts. 

Sir and I are still working out all the kinks (hehe) and getting back on track in our D/s. By back on track I mean implementing rules again and adjusting what needs to be adjusted since the change in dynamic from D/s to DD/bg. This time off from bedroom play helped us focus more on outside the bedroom and I am so thrilled. For a little bit I felt like it was just bedroom D/s for Sir and now I know he's all in as am I.

Hoping for a slower few days soon. 

Mindblowing

The last couple weeks have been amazing despite Sir's surgery. I feel as though I have found me!!!! Since the start almost 4 short months ago I have felt that I wasn't complete as a submissive but I didn't know what else there could be. Then a post on LK's forum changed all that and brought to light the side of me I have spent so many years hiding.

It never ceases to amaze me how this lifestyle, if truly honestly in it, brings out ALL of you. There is no hiding parts and it'll show you a side of you that you never knew existed or hadn't acknowledged was there. It might not happen all at once but eventually it will happen.

Sir and I have done a lot of talking and research and sending stuff back and forth the last couple weeks. In all honesty its probably been longer then a couple weeks but I've lost track of time. Then one day Sir made a decision and its been bliss ever since. I no longer feel as though I'm forcing myself to be submissive. It's all natural and flows from me. Its as normal to me as waking up. I feel absolutely complete and absolute elated about it. Sir has changed too and our connection is so much better. Realizing this side of myself seems to have made him understand me more.We haven't even had a disagreement about D/s and whether or not one is doing something right or not and vice versa.

I am not going to lie sharing the words in the picture above scares me a little. I know I would never be judged for them and I know your opinion of me probably won't change one bit. I am still D.A.T A.S.S. (hehe).  

Not only do I now feel complete (for now. hehe) in where we are. I have also found a friend who I feel is quickly becoming my bestie (don't wanna jinx it so shhhhhh. hehe). We talk practically every day and we have so much in common. She is a little like me and just learned this side of her shortly before me. She started her journey only a month before me. Our birthday is in the same month. We are both Hello Kitty and Chaco Cat (Hello Kitty's best friend) addicts. The list could go on my friends. I am so so happy that I met this lovely lady. I will forever be grateful to LK and Mr. Fox for the wonderful community they created that allowed me to met such wonderful people just like me. 

I know my topics seem to be the same thing lately. hehe. Right now these are the things that have me waking up every morning and being the best me I can be. These are the things that make me jump for joy and these are the things I want to scream from the rooftops. Never in my life did I ever think I could be this happy this young but it has happened and I want to share it with the world! :) 

Subbies

I have met so many wonderful people in the last few months since we started this lifestyle and I am forever honored to call them all my friends. Without each and everyone one of them I wouldn't be where I am today. Just having them there to laugh with changes my day in an instant.

Two of these lovely subbie sisters have become very dear to my heart. :) 

One is a subbie sub and one is a subbie little and I cherish them both dearly! :) 

It means so much to me that they get so excited to talk with me. I have never felt so loved in my life. Didn't grow up with a lot of friends. lol. 

I have to give a shout out to LK and Mr. Fox. If it wasn't for this lovely couple creating the wonderful community they did I would have never met either of these lovely subbie sister. So thank you very much for all you do for the D/s community! You are both a truly amazing couple and I am so glad I know you and can call you friends.

Maybe someday I will divulge their names. :) For now I hope these subbies now how much they mean to me! :)

Have a subtastic day subbies! :)

Tomorrow Tomorrow...

Well tomorrow is the big day. Sir goes in for his hernia repair. 

I have mixed emotions. 

This is our third surgery in two years, second hernia repair in a year. 

I am excited because that puts us on the road to recovery and gets us closer to getting back to playtime.

 On the other hand Sir is not a very nice person while recovering from this kind of surgery and since its been a rough few months I am hoping I can power through one more month without turning into a prickly brat. 

I know I have lots of people thinking happy thoughts for us tomorrow as Sir goes through the procedure and I am so appreciative.

Less then twelve hours to go.

See you on the flipside. hehe

Baby Girl???

Recently a fellow subbie sister, Phoenix, answered a question on LK's forum in regards to DD/bg (DaddyDom/babygirl). When the original question was asked I never thought it could be me. I mean my dad still calls me babygirl so it seemed weird to me that my Sir would call me the same and it would be different. Not that I thought DD/bg was incest play or whatever. I just couldn't see how I could differentiate. Then Phoenix swooped in with her beautiful response and truly opened my eyes and made me see, not only DD/bg differently but also myself.


I skipped being a kid altogether. My mom was sick and my dad was always deployed and I am the oldest child. So I took care of my sisters and that was that. Didn't really think much of it. Then I was 18 years old and on my own. I still enjoyed the Disney channel, Hello Kitty, Tinkerbell, polishing my nails in fun colors. At the age of 19 and moving in with my grandparents my bed sheet set was Tinkerbell. None of this seemed weird to me. It's still not weird to me but Phoenix's comments made me look at it all differently. When I met my husband my now Sir I still enjoyed all of that but he called it silly and didn't understand. So over time I stopped watching them and stopped enjoying the me things. Started becoming more of an "adult" or what I thought an adult was and what they did and put away the "childish" things. I do acknowledge that my interests in the above listed things don't automatically mean I am a babygirl so lets keep reading


Fast forward to November 2013 when my Sir asks me if I would be interested in being tied down and further research and communication brought us into the D/s-M lifestyle. Then fast forward to a couple weeks ago to the day I read the comments from Phoenix. I now look at things I do or how I act and realize I need to be "dealt with" differently. I don't think I am just a submissive. I think I am a babygirl too with the potential of being a masochist but that's a different post itself. I act out not because I want punishment or because I am just having an off day. I do it because I don't feel Sir is paying any attention to me. I end up getting myself in trouble of course but that was not the original intent. Phoenix said she has more rules then her subbie friends. I don't have many rules at the moment but I want a lot of rules. My life is made so much easier and more enjoyable when Sir just tells me what to do. Tells me what he expects from. When he controls every part of my life. My eating habits, exercise, bedtime, tv time, phone time, cleaning schedule, to do list, grocery list, shopping list, my purchases, etc. I explain to Sir that I don't want to think for myself. When I think for myself I get stressed an overwhelmed and eventually start to spiral a lot more frequently then I think most subbies. When he tells me what to do when to do it and I know what is expected of me every minute of every day I feel free. I could be completely wrong or simply misunderstanding about what a babygirl is however when I think about being a babygirl that puzzle piece just fits for me. I am still having a hard time explaining it in words so bare with me. :)

I am still reading up on the whole idea of course and Sir and I are trying to figure out how to add it in with everything. I am really excited about it all. The whole adventure is teaching me so much about myself I didn't know. I don't know how I lived my life up to this point without it all. :)

Self discovery

In this time of finding me and learning about this new life we have begun exploring I find myself getting irritated and frustrated because I don't have all the answers already or I am really unsure what the answer is. I know I am not suppose to have the answers right now and it will take time to get them and even then they could change. I am just not use to not having answers, not knowing the answers or not having a plan to get the answer. 

It's in these moments that I realize how much I truly need my Sir and his Dominance over me. It's also in these moments that I am reminded I am a submissive and no matter how much I might question that it is true. 

As a newbie I find myself during low points telling myself I am crazy for wanting this life. I mean why would I willingly want to be told what to do and be given guidelines to follow that have punishments If not followed. 

The answer to that is because it frees me from myself. My brain runs nonstop!! I am constantly worrying about anything and everything and making myself paranoid about stuff that hasn't happened and might not ever happen. It's a crazy hectic world inside my head. I have not learned how to slow it down. 

(A little background)

Growing up I became an "adult" at age 6. I had two little sisters one was 4 years old and the other a newborn baby only a few months old. My mom was sick with epilepsy and my dad was active duty military and on deployment a lot. So I stepped up and stepped in. From that point forward I had two sometimes three people to worry about between my mom and my sisters. Hence the constant worrying now. My mom didn't really get well enough to handle parenting until I was in high school and by then I was no longer a child as much as they tried to make me just be a kid. 

So when Sir tells me my chores for the days or what he expects from me, whether he knows this or not, it frees me from anything and everything else I could possibly worry about that day because I have now been told what to focus on and nothing else, besides the children and whatever else Sir might need, matters. 

As Sir and I step further into our roles and learn more about who we are in our roles; I know this will only get better and I am so excited for the journey regardless of how dark it can get sometimes! 

Frustrated

My pathetic pointless waste of time mad red fish (my period) has arrived in its lame force. 

The last couple days I have just been irritated at everything. Sir isn't doing enough, Sir isn't doing it right, I feel like a piece of meat and not a cherished possession, I am sick of cleaning, I'm sick of doing the dish, I want to cry, I want to scream.. As you can see I am all over the place. The hardest part in my submission is keeping my mouth shut when I'm like this and dealing with the emotions. I have never been good at either.

My whole life I have kept my emotions to myself about anything and everything until I exploded. That of course never ended well. Now I am in this new lifestyle that I love and shortly after finding it my life was in the mud and the D/s awesomeness we just found was the last thing to be taken care of. 

I no longer know how to keep myself together and any of Sir's attempts to be in control I feel is him just being an ass. Before today I felt like we were still moving forward but now I feel like I am back at square one having to start all over with myself since I've been skating by doing whatever I want and getting away with it because Sir is so busy. Of course I accept that these feelings are possibly from my emotions running high today. I also acknowledge that this is possibly part of the journey since this is the first major road block we've hit since we started. Either way I am not feeling very good about myself today and I am trying really hard to be in a submissive mindset. 

Hoping that writing it all right now will help me in the rest of my day.