Over the last month Sir and I have fallen off track. I have been hurt and cannot seem to help him understand what happened or what I need.
He spent so much time trying to control a situation with his brother that he forgot to maintain control of us.
I gave him the gift of my submission and it seemed his brother and who he was hanging out with was more important. Needless to say I was hurt. Better yet, I am hurt.
I did my best to be a good little girl. I really did try. After awhile the pain go to be so much that I just acted out. I watched us slowly almost return to the way it was and Sir started blaming me for everything going wrong.
I understand that if I keep the proper mindset it helps Sir keep the mindset as well. However I do not feel that if control is lost that it is the submissive's fault. I as the submissive can only do so much to keep everything afloat. In the end it is Sir's ultimate responsibility to keep it all going and when it doesn't he should take responsibility for that. If I wanted to control everything then I wouldn't be the submissive. Of course this is all my opinion.
I finally called an extended downtime. We needed to talk and we needed a long time to do it. I told Sir that he needed to get control of himself before he could control anything else.
Once I finally got the guts to bring up the issues to Sir I felt the conversation went really well. I told him I was hurt and what I needed from him. It seemed as though I got through. Outside of the bedroom Sir was doing things to get back on track but my mind has not been accepting them and I know it. At this point I think I am more hurt then I thought and now I am protecting myself because it was so easy for Sir to loose control before and hurt me how is this time going to be any different. Now inside the bedroom Sir is still treating me like a delicate flower even though I expressed to him that I am his whore and I want to be treated as such. I don't know if maybe he's afraid to be that rough with a women or what. I even explained in things he was doing and how I would prefer him to do it.
In the end I do not feel like we can move forward until Sir acknowledges what he has done wrong, what he needs to do better and actually starts doing them. I need to know that I am not going to be dropped again. No submissive likes to feel dropped and as a little too I feel its more damaging when Daddy lets you down in such a way that you are afraid to trust him with your submission again.
I miss Daddy. I miss how things were and the amazing connection we have when everything is in alignment. There is no doubt that this is the life I want. This is the life I need to survive in this world and feel "normal". I hope that one day Sir and I will get back to the good days! :)
Big shout out to my bestie who has been by my side through this whole thing and given me encouraging words and wisdom. I wouldn't be able to do life with out her!! I love you Darling.. You are the greatest friend a little girl could ask for!! :)
