Over the last month Sir and I have fallen off track. I have been hurt and cannot seem to help him understand what happened or what I need.
He spent so much time trying to control a situation with his brother that he forgot to maintain control of us.
I gave him the gift of my submission and it seemed his brother and who he was hanging out with was more important. Needless to say I was hurt. Better yet, I am hurt.
I did my best to be a good little girl. I really did try. After awhile the pain go to be so much that I just acted out. I watched us slowly almost return to the way it was and Sir started blaming me for everything going wrong.
I understand that if I keep the proper mindset it helps Sir keep the mindset as well. However I do not feel that if control is lost that it is the submissive's fault. I as the submissive can only do so much to keep everything afloat. In the end it is Sir's ultimate responsibility to keep it all going and when it doesn't he should take responsibility for that. If I wanted to control everything then I wouldn't be the submissive. Of course this is all my opinion.
I finally called an extended downtime. We needed to talk and we needed a long time to do it. I told Sir that he needed to get control of himself before he could control anything else.
Once I finally got the guts to bring up the issues to Sir I felt the conversation went really well. I told him I was hurt and what I needed from him. It seemed as though I got through. Outside of the bedroom Sir was doing things to get back on track but my mind has not been accepting them and I know it. At this point I think I am more hurt then I thought and now I am protecting myself because it was so easy for Sir to loose control before and hurt me how is this time going to be any different. Now inside the bedroom Sir is still treating me like a delicate flower even though I expressed to him that I am his whore and I want to be treated as such. I don't know if maybe he's afraid to be that rough with a women or what. I even explained in things he was doing and how I would prefer him to do it.
In the end I do not feel like we can move forward until Sir acknowledges what he has done wrong, what he needs to do better and actually starts doing them. I need to know that I am not going to be dropped again. No submissive likes to feel dropped and as a little too I feel its more damaging when Daddy lets you down in such a way that you are afraid to trust him with your submission again.
I miss Daddy. I miss how things were and the amazing connection we have when everything is in alignment. There is no doubt that this is the life I want. This is the life I need to survive in this world and feel "normal". I hope that one day Sir and I will get back to the good days! :)
Big shout out to my bestie who has been by my side through this whole thing and given me encouraging words and wisdom. I wouldn't be able to do life with out her!! I love you Darling.. You are the greatest friend a little girl could ask for!! :)
Monday, June 2, 2014
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Its Someone's Birthday....
IT'S MY BESTIE'S BIRTHDAY!!
Our relationships has blossomed into such a beautiful mega bestie relationship and I am soooooo blessed to get to call her my mega bestie. :)
She is a beautiful women!
She is an adorable little!
She is an anal princess whore!
She is a good girl!
She is strong!
She is loving!
She is sweet!
She is kind!
She is sincere!
She is helpful!
She is my MEGA BESTIE!!
This life and my life has been made better with her in it!
Darling you are such an amazing friend and you have helped me more then you probably know. I am so happy to have you in my life. I am so proud of the obstacles you have recently overcome. I am so proud of the beautiful blog you created and how you are sharing your little with everyone. I want to scream from the roof tops "YUP THAT'S MY BESTIE LOOK AT HER FLY!!!" I am sooooo excited for the new adventure you are taking with your Sir. Your Daddy is one amazing man and I am so glad you have him in your life. As long as you have him you should never be afraid of the monsters. They can't get you. Your Daddy will protect you!! I can't wait for the first time we get to hang out face to face.. oh the little things we will do. Our Daddy's may not know what to do with us!! hehe.
I hope you have a wonderful birthday and I cannot wait to hear what fun your Daddy has planned for you. :)
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| We are Elsa and Anna.. You and Me... FOREVER!! Sisters at heart! Facing the monsters with the help of our Daddy's and little hand in little hand! |
I love you dearly my Darling!!!!!!! :)
Thursday, April 24, 2014
BIRTHDAY PRINCESS'
OH EM GEE!!!!
My birthday and my besties birthday are three days apart and they are coming up in less then two weeks!! Woot Woot! Can't wait to shower my bestie with gifts. Don't have much but everything will come wrapped in love and sealed with a kiss. hehe
Just wanted to share the awesomeness.. Thanks for reading!! :)
Fairy Godmother
If anyone sees my Fairy Godmother please tell her I could use her help.
OR
If you have one I can borrow that would be great too.
Keeping my head up because no matter how gloomy it has looked in the past everything has always worked out for the better and we have never gone without what we needed.
Come out, Come out, Wherever you are!
My Sadist Daddy(Sir) came out to play a couple weeks ago.
Lately I have felt as though my Sir is a Sadist of sorts he just hasn't admitted it. I think he believes a Sadist is someone who enjoys inflicting pain and I on the other hand after lots of reading see a Sadist as someone who enjoys making their submissive squirm but not always in pain. hehe.
It was Sunday and lately that day has become our play day. Sir's little brother is normally out of the house for the night and Sundays are our day of rest and relaxation before the week starts so nothing big is going on. This Sunday also happens to be the last chance we are going to get before our trip to Seattle for a wedding.
It started out like most playtime does. Sir gets everything set up an I am positioned at the foot of the bed with my hands on the foot board, legs spread, back arched! My heart started to race... I HAD NOT GOTTEN ANY IMPACT FOR ALMOST TWO MONTHS.. I thought I was going to explode from excitement. hehe
Sir started the warm up which I believe was more for him then me. I was really worried it was going to hurt bad since it had been so long but it turned out to be such a blissful feeling. I was then moved from standing to "ass up" position. The impact continued and at one point Sir was standing over me straddling my body and I thought I was going to pass out from the Dominance seeping from his pores. For the first time he used every implement we had on hand for impact and the transition from one to the other was smooth. It was like he was a pro all of a sudden. It was hot to say the least. Now this is where my idea of a Sadist comes to play. Then for the first time Sir "tortured" me with the wand. He let it run over my lady parts and watched my body respond and then moved it. He did that over and over again. Then he tickled my feet with it but I wasn't allowed to respond or move and he continued to go over my feet until I obeyed as such. I could see the pleasure in his eyes from repeatedly either bringing me close to pleasure and denying me OR from tickling me and not letting me laugh or move. That definitely sounds like Sadist material to me.
I was trying to tell my bestie about the night but I think I was completely lost in Sir's Dominance alone and not what he was doing to me. It was like nothing I have felt yet and I am finding it really hard to explain. It was definitely exactly what I needed and I enjoyed it so thoroughly I am not sure how I made it through.
Can't wait to have that feeling again!!
Lately I have felt as though my Sir is a Sadist of sorts he just hasn't admitted it. I think he believes a Sadist is someone who enjoys inflicting pain and I on the other hand after lots of reading see a Sadist as someone who enjoys making their submissive squirm but not always in pain. hehe.
It was Sunday and lately that day has become our play day. Sir's little brother is normally out of the house for the night and Sundays are our day of rest and relaxation before the week starts so nothing big is going on. This Sunday also happens to be the last chance we are going to get before our trip to Seattle for a wedding.
It started out like most playtime does. Sir gets everything set up an I am positioned at the foot of the bed with my hands on the foot board, legs spread, back arched! My heart started to race... I HAD NOT GOTTEN ANY IMPACT FOR ALMOST TWO MONTHS.. I thought I was going to explode from excitement. hehe
Sir started the warm up which I believe was more for him then me. I was really worried it was going to hurt bad since it had been so long but it turned out to be such a blissful feeling. I was then moved from standing to "ass up" position. The impact continued and at one point Sir was standing over me straddling my body and I thought I was going to pass out from the Dominance seeping from his pores. For the first time he used every implement we had on hand for impact and the transition from one to the other was smooth. It was like he was a pro all of a sudden. It was hot to say the least. Now this is where my idea of a Sadist comes to play. Then for the first time Sir "tortured" me with the wand. He let it run over my lady parts and watched my body respond and then moved it. He did that over and over again. Then he tickled my feet with it but I wasn't allowed to respond or move and he continued to go over my feet until I obeyed as such. I could see the pleasure in his eyes from repeatedly either bringing me close to pleasure and denying me OR from tickling me and not letting me laugh or move. That definitely sounds like Sadist material to me.
I was trying to tell my bestie about the night but I think I was completely lost in Sir's Dominance alone and not what he was doing to me. It was like nothing I have felt yet and I am finding it really hard to explain. It was definitely exactly what I needed and I enjoyed it so thoroughly I am not sure how I made it through.
Can't wait to have that feeling again!!
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Purple Princess
It has been a long time since this little has seen any impact play. I have been missing it oh so terribly.
The other night my Sir's brother stayed at a friends house meaning we had the whole house to ourselves. Sir decided we were gonna have some playtime.
I asked Sir if I could please get some spankings. He of course said he would think about it. I think my Sir is a sadist he just hasn't really admitted it yet. Lol.
A few minutes later he had me get into the kneel position on our big red chair. When he was ready he had me grab the back of the chair and arch my back. My heart started to race I was so excited. I haven't gotten a good long spanking in two maybe three months. I fell into the rhythm quickly and was drifting off to sleep... Literally. It felt so good and Sir did not start out slow. I woke up the next morning with beautiful purple marks. They do not hurt at all and it doesn't affect sitting and because of that Sir doesn't like using any none bruising stuff. He enjoys seeing the marks he leaves on me for days after the fact. Sadist anyone.. Hehe.
I was talking to my dear friend who might as well be my twin plus 21 years. :) I told her about my fun and she didn't understand how my marks were purple so with Sir's permission I sent a pic that only showed the marks but not everything. Hehe. Her response "and you said you didn't take sexy selfies on demand". I think I blushed. I love her! :)
So happy we are on the road back to regular activities. It seems Sir's Dom shoes are more comfortable since surgery then they were before. I pushed a button and got the look so quick I almost cried. He has never been that quick. I quickly realized I better stop messing around if I ever want to see my normal skin color on my rear again. Hehe.
The other night my Sir's brother stayed at a friends house meaning we had the whole house to ourselves. Sir decided we were gonna have some playtime.
I asked Sir if I could please get some spankings. He of course said he would think about it. I think my Sir is a sadist he just hasn't really admitted it yet. Lol.
A few minutes later he had me get into the kneel position on our big red chair. When he was ready he had me grab the back of the chair and arch my back. My heart started to race I was so excited. I haven't gotten a good long spanking in two maybe three months. I fell into the rhythm quickly and was drifting off to sleep... Literally. It felt so good and Sir did not start out slow. I woke up the next morning with beautiful purple marks. They do not hurt at all and it doesn't affect sitting and because of that Sir doesn't like using any none bruising stuff. He enjoys seeing the marks he leaves on me for days after the fact. Sadist anyone.. Hehe.
I was talking to my dear friend who might as well be my twin plus 21 years. :) I told her about my fun and she didn't understand how my marks were purple so with Sir's permission I sent a pic that only showed the marks but not everything. Hehe. Her response "and you said you didn't take sexy selfies on demand". I think I blushed. I love her! :)
So happy we are on the road back to regular activities. It seems Sir's Dom shoes are more comfortable since surgery then they were before. I pushed a button and got the look so quick I almost cried. He has never been that quick. I quickly realized I better stop messing around if I ever want to see my normal skin color on my rear again. Hehe.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Let It Go
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| Elsa |
My newest favorite movie is Frozen hands down. The first time I saw this movie was before Sir and I switched to DD/bg. So the song "Let It Go" by Idina Menzel, the actress that plays Elsa, wasn't really more then a song to me. Then a friend and I were discussing my blog and her starting a blog and really letting it all out there and being us without fear of anything else. We also at that time were discussing how she was a little afraid to post on the LK's forum about being a little but she did anyone. Then one day the words to this song just clicked in my head. It doesn't just fit for submissive's coming out as littles. It fits for all submissive's and their D/s against the world. We should all let it go and let the world see us for who we really are and not care.
If you haven't seen the movie the short of it is Elsa has the power to turn things to ice and snow and after accidentally hurting her little sister she goes into hiding and doesn't show her powers to anyone. Then one thing leads to another one day and the whole town finds out here powers and so she runs away and just decides to let it go and be herself, powers and all.
Here are the words, after reading them you will understand a little more:
The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the queen.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried
 |
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know
Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway
It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free
Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry
Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on
My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past
Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway
So to my dear dear friend still on the edge about starting a blog.. LET IT GO!! Let everyone else see the beautiful Little you are that I get to see everyday.
To any lurkers out there.. Let it go.. Let yourself be known to the rest of us. We won't bite I promise. We want to welcome you in to the craziness! :)
To anyone else on the edge about D/s, DD/bg, M/s. Let It Go!!! Jump right in. Be you and let everyone see it! Its such a beautiful world on the other side! :)
LET IT GO!!!!!!!!
So much..
So much on my mind and going on in my life I cannot seem to find the words for anything.
Life is busy over here. Feels like I just drive to town (23 miles away) every other day.
33 year old woman causing drama in my house over my little brother 12 years younger then her. Oh boy was that fun to deal with.
I just started work two days ago which adds to the to do list but we need the money so I will make it work.
Then the house is falling apart. lol. I have a cupboard door off, my washer decided it didn't want to spin all the water out anymore unless the washer is only half full, then there are kitchen floor tiles coming up, my carpets look a hot mess and I am worried that when my landlord shows up to turn the sprinklers on he is going to be upset with the look of the place.
Thank goodness for my friends in this lifestyle that check in on me and keep me sane. My life wouldn't be the same without you!! :)
HOWEVER all that aside (except the friends part. hehe) Sir and I were able to have SEX.. like real sex!! Which means we are getting closer to being able to go back to playtime. Its been a couple months since the last time we played. This girl is going a little nuts.
Sir and I are still working out all the kinks (hehe) and getting back on track in our D/s. By back on track I mean implementing rules again and adjusting what needs to be adjusted since the change in dynamic from D/s to DD/bg. This time off from bedroom play helped us focus more on outside the bedroom and I am so thrilled. For a little bit I felt like it was just bedroom D/s for Sir and now I know he's all in as am I.
Hoping for a slower few days soon.
Life is busy over here. Feels like I just drive to town (23 miles away) every other day.
33 year old woman causing drama in my house over my little brother 12 years younger then her. Oh boy was that fun to deal with.
I just started work two days ago which adds to the to do list but we need the money so I will make it work.
Then the house is falling apart. lol. I have a cupboard door off, my washer decided it didn't want to spin all the water out anymore unless the washer is only half full, then there are kitchen floor tiles coming up, my carpets look a hot mess and I am worried that when my landlord shows up to turn the sprinklers on he is going to be upset with the look of the place.
Thank goodness for my friends in this lifestyle that check in on me and keep me sane. My life wouldn't be the same without you!! :)
HOWEVER all that aside (except the friends part. hehe) Sir and I were able to have SEX.. like real sex!! Which means we are getting closer to being able to go back to playtime. Its been a couple months since the last time we played. This girl is going a little nuts.
Sir and I are still working out all the kinks (hehe) and getting back on track in our D/s. By back on track I mean implementing rules again and adjusting what needs to be adjusted since the change in dynamic from D/s to DD/bg. This time off from bedroom play helped us focus more on outside the bedroom and I am so thrilled. For a little bit I felt like it was just bedroom D/s for Sir and now I know he's all in as am I.
Hoping for a slower few days soon.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Mindblowing
The last couple weeks have been amazing despite Sir's surgery. I feel as though I have found me!!!! Since the start almost 4 short months ago I have felt that I wasn't complete as a submissive but I didn't know what else there could be. Then a post on LK's forum changed all that and brought to light the side of me I have spent so many years hiding.
It never ceases to amaze me how this lifestyle, if truly honestly in it, brings out ALL of you. There is no hiding parts and it'll show you a side of you that you never knew existed or hadn't acknowledged was there. It might not happen all at once but eventually it will happen.
Sir and I have done a lot of talking and research and sending stuff back and forth the last couple weeks. In all honesty its probably been longer then a couple weeks but I've lost track of time. Then one day Sir made a decision and its been bliss ever since. I no longer feel as though I'm forcing myself to be submissive. It's all natural and flows from me. Its as normal to me as waking up. I feel absolutely complete and absolute elated about it. Sir has changed too and our connection is so much better. Realizing this side of myself seems to have made him understand me more.We haven't even had a disagreement about D/s and whether or not one is doing something right or not and vice versa.
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I am not going to lie sharing the words in the picture above scares me a little. I know I would never be judged for them and I know your opinion of me probably won't change one bit. I am still D.A.T A.S.S. (hehe).
Not only do I now feel complete (for now. hehe) in where we are. I have also found a friend who I feel is quickly becoming my bestie (don't wanna jinx it so shhhhhh. hehe). We talk practically every day and we have so much in common. She is a little like me and just learned this side of her shortly before me. She started her journey only a month before me. Our birthday is in the same month. We are both Hello Kitty and Chaco Cat (Hello Kitty's best friend) addicts. The list could go on my friends. I am so so happy that I met this lovely lady. I will forever be grateful to LK and Mr. Fox for the wonderful community they created that allowed me to met such wonderful people just like me.
I know my topics seem to be the same thing lately. hehe. Right now these are the things that have me waking up every morning and being the best me I can be. These are the things that make me jump for joy and these are the things I want to scream from the rooftops. Never in my life did I ever think I could be this happy this young but it has happened and I want to share it with the world! :)
It never ceases to amaze me how this lifestyle, if truly honestly in it, brings out ALL of you. There is no hiding parts and it'll show you a side of you that you never knew existed or hadn't acknowledged was there. It might not happen all at once but eventually it will happen.
Sir and I have done a lot of talking and research and sending stuff back and forth the last couple weeks. In all honesty its probably been longer then a couple weeks but I've lost track of time. Then one day Sir made a decision and its been bliss ever since. I no longer feel as though I'm forcing myself to be submissive. It's all natural and flows from me. Its as normal to me as waking up. I feel absolutely complete and absolute elated about it. Sir has changed too and our connection is so much better. Realizing this side of myself seems to have made him understand me more.We haven't even had a disagreement about D/s and whether or not one is doing something right or not and vice versa.
I am not going to lie sharing the words in the picture above scares me a little. I know I would never be judged for them and I know your opinion of me probably won't change one bit. I am still D.A.T A.S.S. (hehe).
Not only do I now feel complete (for now. hehe) in where we are. I have also found a friend who I feel is quickly becoming my bestie (don't wanna jinx it so shhhhhh. hehe). We talk practically every day and we have so much in common. She is a little like me and just learned this side of her shortly before me. She started her journey only a month before me. Our birthday is in the same month. We are both Hello Kitty and Chaco Cat (Hello Kitty's best friend) addicts. The list could go on my friends. I am so so happy that I met this lovely lady. I will forever be grateful to LK and Mr. Fox for the wonderful community they created that allowed me to met such wonderful people just like me.
I know my topics seem to be the same thing lately. hehe. Right now these are the things that have me waking up every morning and being the best me I can be. These are the things that make me jump for joy and these are the things I want to scream from the rooftops. Never in my life did I ever think I could be this happy this young but it has happened and I want to share it with the world! :)
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Subbies
I have met so many wonderful people in the last few months since we started this lifestyle and I am forever honored to call them all my friends. Without each and everyone one of them I wouldn't be where I am today. Just having them there to laugh with changes my day in an instant.
Two of these lovely subbie sisters have become very dear to my heart. :)
One is a subbie sub and one is a subbie little and I cherish them both dearly! :)
It means so much to me that they get so excited to talk with me. I have never felt so loved in my life. Didn't grow up with a lot of friends. lol.
I have to give a shout out to LK and Mr. Fox. If it wasn't for this lovely couple creating the wonderful community they did I would have never met either of these lovely subbie sister. So thank you very much for all you do for the D/s community! You are both a truly amazing couple and I am so glad I know you and can call you friends.
Maybe someday I will divulge their names. :) For now I hope these subbies now how much they mean to me! :)
Have a subtastic day subbies! :)
Two of these lovely subbie sisters have become very dear to my heart. :)
One is a subbie sub and one is a subbie little and I cherish them both dearly! :)
It means so much to me that they get so excited to talk with me. I have never felt so loved in my life. Didn't grow up with a lot of friends. lol.
I have to give a shout out to LK and Mr. Fox. If it wasn't for this lovely couple creating the wonderful community they did I would have never met either of these lovely subbie sister. So thank you very much for all you do for the D/s community! You are both a truly amazing couple and I am so glad I know you and can call you friends.
Maybe someday I will divulge their names. :) For now I hope these subbies now how much they mean to me! :)
Have a subtastic day subbies! :)
Tomorrow Tomorrow...
Well tomorrow is the big day. Sir goes in for his hernia repair.
I have mixed emotions.
This is our third surgery in two years, second hernia repair in a year.
I am excited because that puts us on the road to recovery and gets us closer to getting back to playtime.
On the other hand Sir is not a very nice person while recovering from this kind of surgery and since its been a rough few months I am hoping I can power through one more month without turning into a prickly brat.
I know I have lots of people thinking happy thoughts for us tomorrow as Sir goes through the procedure and I am so appreciative.
Less then twelve hours to go.
See you on the flipside. hehe
Monday, March 3, 2014
Baby Girl???
Recently a fellow subbie sister, Phoenix, answered a question on LK's forum in regards to DD/bg (DaddyDom/babygirl). When the original question was asked I never thought it could be me. I mean my dad still calls me babygirl so it seemed weird to me that my Sir would call me the same and it would be different. Not that I thought DD/bg was incest play or whatever. I just couldn't see how I could differentiate. Then Phoenix swooped in with her beautiful response and truly opened my eyes and made me see, not only DD/bg differently but also myself.
I skipped being a kid altogether. My mom was sick and my dad was always deployed and I am the oldest child. So I took care of my sisters and that was that. Didn't really think much of it. Then I was 18 years old and on my own. I still enjoyed the Disney channel, Hello Kitty, Tinkerbell, polishing my nails in fun colors. At the age of 19 and moving in with my grandparents my bed sheet set was Tinkerbell. None of this seemed weird to me. It's still not weird to me but Phoenix's comments made me look at it all differently. When I met my husband my now Sir I still enjoyed all of that but he called it silly and didn't understand. So over time I stopped watching them and stopped enjoying the me things. Started becoming more of an "adult" or what I thought an adult was and what they did and put away the "childish" things. I do acknowledge that my interests in the above listed things don't automatically mean I am a babygirl so lets keep reading
Fast forward to November 2013 when my Sir asks me if I would be interested in being tied down and further research and communication brought us into the D/s-M lifestyle. Then fast forward to a couple weeks ago to the day I read the comments from Phoenix. I now look at things I do or how I act and realize I need to be "dealt with" differently. I don't think I am just a submissive. I think I am a babygirl too with the potential of being a masochist but that's a different post itself. I act out not because I want punishment or because I am just having an off day. I do it because I don't feel Sir is paying any attention to me. I end up getting myself in trouble of course but that was not the original intent. Phoenix said she has more rules then her subbie friends. I don't have many rules at the moment but I want a lot of rules. My life is made so much easier and more enjoyable when Sir just tells me what to do. Tells me what he expects from. When he controls every part of my life. My eating habits, exercise, bedtime, tv time, phone time, cleaning schedule, to do list, grocery list, shopping list, my purchases, etc. I explain to Sir that I don't want to think for myself. When I think for myself I get stressed an overwhelmed and eventually start to spiral a lot more frequently then I think most subbies. When he tells me what to do when to do it and I know what is expected of me every minute of every day I feel free. I could be completely wrong or simply misunderstanding about what a babygirl is however when I think about being a babygirl that puzzle piece just fits for me. I am still having a hard time explaining it in words so bare with me. :)
I am still reading up on the whole idea of course and Sir and I are trying to figure out how to add it in with everything. I am really excited about it all. The whole adventure is teaching me so much about myself I didn't know. I don't know how I lived my life up to this point without it all. :)
I skipped being a kid altogether. My mom was sick and my dad was always deployed and I am the oldest child. So I took care of my sisters and that was that. Didn't really think much of it. Then I was 18 years old and on my own. I still enjoyed the Disney channel, Hello Kitty, Tinkerbell, polishing my nails in fun colors. At the age of 19 and moving in with my grandparents my bed sheet set was Tinkerbell. None of this seemed weird to me. It's still not weird to me but Phoenix's comments made me look at it all differently. When I met my husband my now Sir I still enjoyed all of that but he called it silly and didn't understand. So over time I stopped watching them and stopped enjoying the me things. Started becoming more of an "adult" or what I thought an adult was and what they did and put away the "childish" things. I do acknowledge that my interests in the above listed things don't automatically mean I am a babygirl so lets keep reading
Fast forward to November 2013 when my Sir asks me if I would be interested in being tied down and further research and communication brought us into the D/s-M lifestyle. Then fast forward to a couple weeks ago to the day I read the comments from Phoenix. I now look at things I do or how I act and realize I need to be "dealt with" differently. I don't think I am just a submissive. I think I am a babygirl too with the potential of being a masochist but that's a different post itself. I act out not because I want punishment or because I am just having an off day. I do it because I don't feel Sir is paying any attention to me. I end up getting myself in trouble of course but that was not the original intent. Phoenix said she has more rules then her subbie friends. I don't have many rules at the moment but I want a lot of rules. My life is made so much easier and more enjoyable when Sir just tells me what to do. Tells me what he expects from. When he controls every part of my life. My eating habits, exercise, bedtime, tv time, phone time, cleaning schedule, to do list, grocery list, shopping list, my purchases, etc. I explain to Sir that I don't want to think for myself. When I think for myself I get stressed an overwhelmed and eventually start to spiral a lot more frequently then I think most subbies. When he tells me what to do when to do it and I know what is expected of me every minute of every day I feel free. I could be completely wrong or simply misunderstanding about what a babygirl is however when I think about being a babygirl that puzzle piece just fits for me. I am still having a hard time explaining it in words so bare with me. :)
I am still reading up on the whole idea of course and Sir and I are trying to figure out how to add it in with everything. I am really excited about it all. The whole adventure is teaching me so much about myself I didn't know. I don't know how I lived my life up to this point without it all. :)
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Self discovery
In this time of finding me and learning about this new life we have begun exploring I find myself getting irritated and frustrated because I don't have all the answers already or I am really unsure what the answer is. I know I am not suppose to have the answers right now and it will take time to get them and even then they could change. I am just not use to not having answers, not knowing the answers or not having a plan to get the answer.
It's in these moments that I realize how much I truly need my Sir and his Dominance over me. It's also in these moments that I am reminded I am a submissive and no matter how much I might question that it is true.
As a newbie I find myself during low points telling myself I am crazy for wanting this life. I mean why would I willingly want to be told what to do and be given guidelines to follow that have punishments If not followed.
The answer to that is because it frees me from myself. My brain runs nonstop!! I am constantly worrying about anything and everything and making myself paranoid about stuff that hasn't happened and might not ever happen. It's a crazy hectic world inside my head. I have not learned how to slow it down.
(A little background)
Growing up I became an "adult" at age 6. I had two little sisters one was 4 years old and the other a newborn baby only a few months old. My mom was sick with epilepsy and my dad was active duty military and on deployment a lot. So I stepped up and stepped in. From that point forward I had two sometimes three people to worry about between my mom and my sisters. Hence the constant worrying now. My mom didn't really get well enough to handle parenting until I was in high school and by then I was no longer a child as much as they tried to make me just be a kid.
So when Sir tells me my chores for the days or what he expects from me, whether he knows this or not, it frees me from anything and everything else I could possibly worry about that day because I have now been told what to focus on and nothing else, besides the children and whatever else Sir might need, matters.
As Sir and I step further into our roles and learn more about who we are in our roles; I know this will only get better and I am so excited for the journey regardless of how dark it can get sometimes!
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Frustrated
My pathetic pointless waste of time mad red fish (my period) has arrived in its lame force.
The last couple days I have just been irritated at everything. Sir isn't doing enough, Sir isn't doing it right, I feel like a piece of meat and not a cherished possession, I am sick of cleaning, I'm sick of doing the dish, I want to cry, I want to scream.. As you can see I am all over the place. The hardest part in my submission is keeping my mouth shut when I'm like this and dealing with the emotions. I have never been good at either.
My whole life I have kept my emotions to myself about anything and everything until I exploded. That of course never ended well. Now I am in this new lifestyle that I love and shortly after finding it my life was in the mud and the D/s awesomeness we just found was the last thing to be taken care of.
I no longer know how to keep myself together and any of Sir's attempts to be in control I feel is him just being an ass. Before today I felt like we were still moving forward but now I feel like I am back at square one having to start all over with myself since I've been skating by doing whatever I want and getting away with it because Sir is so busy. Of course I accept that these feelings are possibly from my emotions running high today. I also acknowledge that this is possibly part of the journey since this is the first major road block we've hit since we started. Either way I am not feeling very good about myself today and I am trying really hard to be in a submissive mindset.
Hoping that writing it all right now will help me in the rest of my day.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
My Submission (02/14/2014)
I started this awhile ago but all I got was a title. Trying to define those words "my submission" is proving to be hard for me. From the start I never wanted to seem fake or look like a wanna-be. My biggest fear in life is to be perceived as fake.
I want this life!!!
I want to be submissive!!!
When we started this three short months ago it changed my life over night. Just saying that I wanted to be my Sir's submissive released so much stress and weight off my shoulders. Asking permission for purchases or having guidelines made waking up and doing what needed to be done so much easier. At the beginning I wasn't a fan of kneeling. Then it became so calming to kneel. Then there were times where I just felt the need to kneel at Sir's feet and have him caress my hair. The feeling of being at his feet and having him caress my hair calmed any emotions that could have been building up in the background. I found myself not being able to go without touching him every day. Before this there were days where we had very little contact. Now I itch to touch him even if it's just our feet.
I know that this slightly contradicts my frustrated post. Lol. Prior to my Sir getting sick the above paragraph is how life was. It was amazing!!!! In January Sir was diagnosed with a second hernia and slowly I feel as though I am loosing sight of my submission and what it means to me. I keep trying to understand what I want but I have the hardest time finding the right words for anything or shutting off my brain long enough to focus on my submission.
I read a post today that has me in fear that I'm fake. That feeling alone isn't helping me but I don't know what I'm doing anymore or how to do it. Some would say this is a spiral and I need a reset and I may agree I just don't know if it would actually help.
However back to my submission. Regardless of how I feel at the moment or what's going on I want this life too bad to let go so easily. If it means I have to wander in the dark for a little while longer I will do just that until I see that light that puts it all back into place for me.
I love being Sir's Sotto. I love being his possession. He always takes good care of me and he always knows what's best. I love giving myself to him for his pleasure. I love pleasing him. My whole life makes sense when I am on my knees in front of him. I love the release Sir gives me when he spanks me. Sir knows me best and always knows how to deal with all the different sides of me. I honestly don't think I could ever go back to a regular vanilla life. I believe that acknowledgment in itself means to me I can't be fake. (Overtime you will learn I don't have a lot of confidence in myself.. Lol)
As a newbie I am just trying to figure out what all this truly means to me and leave all the possible different sides to me. Sorry this post is slightly a roller coaster ride of back and forth. Lol.
Dreams & Fantasies (01/19/2014)
I have been thinking a lot about this topic lately since we have had to take a step back for Sir's health. Some are bedroom related some are just sweet things I hope Sir does for me at a special time or anytime for that matter. I know Sir needs me to tell him things I want and when its playtime related I understand that. There are, however, other things my girlie side hopes Sir does in this adventure that I don't want to directly tell him I want them I kinda want to lay the hint before him and hope someday he takes it and puts it to work. For this reason I am thankful for this application that allows me to lay those hints and allow Sir to read them at his own leisure and use when he feels the time is ready if he wants to use them at all.
In regards to my bedroom fantasies I was recently able to tell Sir this more directly but in case I missed anything I will add it here too. lol.
I dream of the day were Sir is more comfortable with setting a rhythm to my hits and going one after another. When in a scene I practically want to tell him to do that but I know it is not my place. Sir is on a journey too and I need to be patient that he will get to a part where he is comfortable hitting me that frequently. I believe Sir is still trying to wrap his head around the fact that I like spankings at all. lol. He has asked me why I like them but that is something I still cannot answer at the moment. I also dream that Sir uses different objects in our house to tie me down on verses just tying me to the bed. For example, we have a dining room chair that he could easily tie me to for playtime hits. Just thinking about it is making my heart rate rise. As I said in my 2014 post I want to be pushed. I want to see how many times I can break and how long I can last in subspace before its too much. I look forward to when Sir is more comfortable with pushing my boundaries and of course when he is well enough to begin that journey.
As far as the outside of the bedroom dreams and fantasies. These are very girlie and I even feel a little silly saying them but they would be so important to me and my submission. They would be a moment between us that signifies the commitment we are making. I want the outward expression of the inward commitment Sir and I have now made to each other similar to the one we made on our wedding day and the rings we wear to show it. First I would like to replace my wedding ring with something that signifies our new beginning and our new commitment. (Sir hasn't read this yet but I think I just heard him gasp at the thought of buying me a new ring.. lol) I am not saying I need a whole new set and all the fancy stuff. I am more talking just a band of some sort with or without diamonds that is engraved on the inside with something he chooses that means my submission to him. I also want daytime cuffs. I have already found some that I really like and have saved them to my email. I will dig out the link and post it at the bottom! :) I want Sir to cuff me in a sort of ceremonious way. Both of these things are Sir my Dom staking his claim or marking his territory if you will. Both are visual reminders to me of the commitment we made. I also think it would be really awesome for Sir to do one of these for our one year D/s anniversary. In my mind that is a big day for us and very important. I do not want to overlook it as just another day. In my mind its like we got married all over again and we get a fresh start.. out with the old in with the new. I would even go as far as to say its more important then our wedding day because that day and the years to follow were full of heartache and hard times. I know everyone goes through that but its our past now and we are moving forward to a brighter future. However I truly love my rings because they have lots of meaning too.. So now that I have posted that not sure if I would be able to not wear it.. Might wear the other ring on my other hand.. lol.. However if Sir feels this is a good idea or can read between the lines and finds it important I would be more then happy to obey! :)
In regards to my bedroom fantasies I was recently able to tell Sir this more directly but in case I missed anything I will add it here too. lol.
I dream of the day were Sir is more comfortable with setting a rhythm to my hits and going one after another. When in a scene I practically want to tell him to do that but I know it is not my place. Sir is on a journey too and I need to be patient that he will get to a part where he is comfortable hitting me that frequently. I believe Sir is still trying to wrap his head around the fact that I like spankings at all. lol. He has asked me why I like them but that is something I still cannot answer at the moment. I also dream that Sir uses different objects in our house to tie me down on verses just tying me to the bed. For example, we have a dining room chair that he could easily tie me to for playtime hits. Just thinking about it is making my heart rate rise. As I said in my 2014 post I want to be pushed. I want to see how many times I can break and how long I can last in subspace before its too much. I look forward to when Sir is more comfortable with pushing my boundaries and of course when he is well enough to begin that journey.
As far as the outside of the bedroom dreams and fantasies. These are very girlie and I even feel a little silly saying them but they would be so important to me and my submission. They would be a moment between us that signifies the commitment we are making. I want the outward expression of the inward commitment Sir and I have now made to each other similar to the one we made on our wedding day and the rings we wear to show it. First I would like to replace my wedding ring with something that signifies our new beginning and our new commitment. (Sir hasn't read this yet but I think I just heard him gasp at the thought of buying me a new ring.. lol) I am not saying I need a whole new set and all the fancy stuff. I am more talking just a band of some sort with or without diamonds that is engraved on the inside with something he chooses that means my submission to him. I also want daytime cuffs. I have already found some that I really like and have saved them to my email. I will dig out the link and post it at the bottom! :) I want Sir to cuff me in a sort of ceremonious way. Both of these things are Sir my Dom staking his claim or marking his territory if you will. Both are visual reminders to me of the commitment we made. I also think it would be really awesome for Sir to do one of these for our one year D/s anniversary. In my mind that is a big day for us and very important. I do not want to overlook it as just another day. In my mind its like we got married all over again and we get a fresh start.. out with the old in with the new. I would even go as far as to say its more important then our wedding day because that day and the years to follow were full of heartache and hard times. I know everyone goes through that but its our past now and we are moving forward to a brighter future. However I truly love my rings because they have lots of meaning too.. So now that I have posted that not sure if I would be able to not wear it.. Might wear the other ring on my other hand.. lol.. However if Sir feels this is a good idea or can read between the lines and finds it important I would be more then happy to obey! :)
DTS Training (01/18/2014)
Hahaha. I cannot help but laugh. If you were present yesterday around 7pm PST then you know what it is.. If not then here it is. Lol. My Sir decided to inform everyone that I can deep throat.. LK then nicknamed me Deep Throat Sotto (DTS). After further discussion on the topic I offered to write a forum post about what I do during a BJ that allows me to deep throat without gagging so bad I have to stop. I decided to title this DTS Training since there is already a deep throat post. Lol.
Last night I was able to accomplish this homework and I will do my best to explain.
First when I give Sir a BJ he is normally laying on the bed and I have free reign to do what I want unless he grabs me by the hair. What I do can work for any form of a BJ whether its during playtime or just while your Sir is sitting watching tv.
When trying to deep throat think about chugging water. Think about what you do with your throat to allow yourself to take more then one sip at one time. Also concentrate, think about what you are doing or what you are going to do. Pep talk yourself in your head. Remember mind over matter. Tell yourself you aren't going to gag but if you happen to gag tell yourself nothing is going to happen and you will only gag once. One of the comments I believe on the deep throat forum post said while brushing your teeth use your tooth brush to practice controlling your gag reflex. I would add to also while brushing your teeth practice concentrating. Tell yourself you are going to brush the far back of your throat and you aren't going to gag but if you do you will only gag once. If you feel confident while brushing your teeth as well tell yourself you are going to brush the far back of your throat and do it for as long as you can. If it helps have your Sir direct you while you are brushing your teeth since we all want to please our Sir.
Here is what happens during a BJ I give my Sir. Most of the BJs outside of playtime Sir is laying on the bed and doesn't take me by the hair until the very end so I will start with those ones. When I initially take Sir into my mouth I get him wet so that my mouth slides over him easier. I then just begin to go up and down with my eyes closed and listen for his moans and groans. Having my eyes closed unless otherwise informed helps me concentrate on what I am doing. Over the years Sir's groans have taught me that what I am doing he is really enjoying. I take him completely in my mouth a few times. Before each one I tell myself I am going to take him completely in. Then I do it; I also run my tongue side to side at the base of his cock when he is completely in my mouth. Between the prep and concentrating on something else helps me not to gag. Also I do not fear gagging. I think if you fear it it will happen. Gagging on Sir's cock is sexy to me. I couldn't tell you why but it is.. lol.. Sometimes I deep throat Sir multiple times in a row, kind of like the head of his cock is bouncing off the back of my throat. Once again I tell myself before I do it and then I just do it. If Sir wants me to take him in completely and hold it then I take a few deep breathes while moving up and down Sir a little slower to catch my breath and then I take one deep breath and go for it. I also know when Sir is about to grab my head to finish because his legs tense and sometimes he grabs the wrist of the hand that is not touching him. Knowing that I tell myself what's about to happen and that its going to be fast and furious and then done and we can do it.
Now if the BJ is during playtime the same thing applies. Lately I have been kneeling over the tub during playtime but there have been a few times where I have been tied to the bed or my head has been hanging over the bed. Either way I concentrate on what is happening and I pep talk myself. Playtime BJs are similar but Sir takes me by the hair more and does what he pleases. However all the same techniques apply.
As subs we all want to please our Sir. Knowing that use it during your pep talk. Tell yourself that it would please him. Also do not fear that you won't be able to do it. I believe fearing any of it holds you back from reaching your full potential or learning what that is. For practice ask your Sir if you can give him a BJ and you have free reign so that you can practice concentrating taking him in all the way so that during playtime you can please him more. Toothbrushes are a good start but they are all about the same size and our Sir is not so practicing with the real thing helps better.
I truly hopes this helps all my fellow subbies out there. I know I don't have a special technique or something I physically do to help but concentrating and pep talking myself truly helps me. Over time it comes more naturally and you just do it by nature and don't really think about it. Once you have accomplished a BJ with minimal gagging and lots of deep throat your confidence will boost and you will find yourself doing it more and more easily.
If anyone has any questions feel free to ask and I will do my best to answer. Also if you are also like me and can deep throat easily please leave a comment adding anything to help others trying to accomplish this.
Last night I was able to accomplish this homework and I will do my best to explain.
First when I give Sir a BJ he is normally laying on the bed and I have free reign to do what I want unless he grabs me by the hair. What I do can work for any form of a BJ whether its during playtime or just while your Sir is sitting watching tv.
When trying to deep throat think about chugging water. Think about what you do with your throat to allow yourself to take more then one sip at one time. Also concentrate, think about what you are doing or what you are going to do. Pep talk yourself in your head. Remember mind over matter. Tell yourself you aren't going to gag but if you happen to gag tell yourself nothing is going to happen and you will only gag once. One of the comments I believe on the deep throat forum post said while brushing your teeth use your tooth brush to practice controlling your gag reflex. I would add to also while brushing your teeth practice concentrating. Tell yourself you are going to brush the far back of your throat and you aren't going to gag but if you do you will only gag once. If you feel confident while brushing your teeth as well tell yourself you are going to brush the far back of your throat and do it for as long as you can. If it helps have your Sir direct you while you are brushing your teeth since we all want to please our Sir.
Here is what happens during a BJ I give my Sir. Most of the BJs outside of playtime Sir is laying on the bed and doesn't take me by the hair until the very end so I will start with those ones. When I initially take Sir into my mouth I get him wet so that my mouth slides over him easier. I then just begin to go up and down with my eyes closed and listen for his moans and groans. Having my eyes closed unless otherwise informed helps me concentrate on what I am doing. Over the years Sir's groans have taught me that what I am doing he is really enjoying. I take him completely in my mouth a few times. Before each one I tell myself I am going to take him completely in. Then I do it; I also run my tongue side to side at the base of his cock when he is completely in my mouth. Between the prep and concentrating on something else helps me not to gag. Also I do not fear gagging. I think if you fear it it will happen. Gagging on Sir's cock is sexy to me. I couldn't tell you why but it is.. lol.. Sometimes I deep throat Sir multiple times in a row, kind of like the head of his cock is bouncing off the back of my throat. Once again I tell myself before I do it and then I just do it. If Sir wants me to take him in completely and hold it then I take a few deep breathes while moving up and down Sir a little slower to catch my breath and then I take one deep breath and go for it. I also know when Sir is about to grab my head to finish because his legs tense and sometimes he grabs the wrist of the hand that is not touching him. Knowing that I tell myself what's about to happen and that its going to be fast and furious and then done and we can do it.
Now if the BJ is during playtime the same thing applies. Lately I have been kneeling over the tub during playtime but there have been a few times where I have been tied to the bed or my head has been hanging over the bed. Either way I concentrate on what is happening and I pep talk myself. Playtime BJs are similar but Sir takes me by the hair more and does what he pleases. However all the same techniques apply.
As subs we all want to please our Sir. Knowing that use it during your pep talk. Tell yourself that it would please him. Also do not fear that you won't be able to do it. I believe fearing any of it holds you back from reaching your full potential or learning what that is. For practice ask your Sir if you can give him a BJ and you have free reign so that you can practice concentrating taking him in all the way so that during playtime you can please him more. Toothbrushes are a good start but they are all about the same size and our Sir is not so practicing with the real thing helps better.
I truly hopes this helps all my fellow subbies out there. I know I don't have a special technique or something I physically do to help but concentrating and pep talking myself truly helps me. Over time it comes more naturally and you just do it by nature and don't really think about it. Once you have accomplished a BJ with minimal gagging and lots of deep throat your confidence will boost and you will find yourself doing it more and more easily.
If anyone has any questions feel free to ask and I will do my best to answer. Also if you are also like me and can deep throat easily please leave a comment adding anything to help others trying to accomplish this.
Mindset (01/14/2014)
Sir requested a post about what we've done and what I need to keep me in the mindset. This whole notebook is full of what we've done so I am not sure what needs to be said in that regards or if he is looking for something specific. I do realize that bath time was the last "scene" I posted on but since then there hasn't really been any scenes. Sir cuffed me and made me orgasm twice which was blissful but I wish there would have been more to it. I know he was trying to help me learn to orgasm more easily. Which is something I struggle with but that night didn't have much happen that needed a post. Then since then we had vanilla with a twist sex. I was cuffed and Sir fucked and spanked me but I think it lasted all of 30 minutes. I am by no means saying I do not appreciate any of it. Some contact from Sir is better then no contact. All I am saying is none of that really feeds me or at least I don't feel feed after that I feel as though Sir has been feed which is great. I haven't orgasmed at least the last two times we have had sexual intercourse of any kind. Which only makes me feel like we are going backwards not forwards. I know Sir is busy with school right now and now there is another hernia surgery in the future. I am trying to be as understanding as I can but this is going to fall apart if we so easily left life get in the way.
Sir and I have talked about setting a day of the week for scenes so that we get at least one a week, nourishment/maintenance spankings and downtime. We have both agreed they would be good and beneficial. However none of them have happened regularly. Sir keeps saying he doesn't feel I should be punished if I am doing everything right during the day. I don't know why he thinks its punishment to give me what I need to stay in the right mindset but its not accurate. I need the above listed things. They "feed" my sub for a lack of a better word. Without regular reminders of who I am the vanilla side of me starts creeping in and taking over which isn't that hard being that we are only two months into this.
I have asked Sir for rituals and protocols. Both of which I feel are important in a D/s marriage. However Sir seems to not think thats what we need because I don't know what they are. So I did some research. At the moment we have two written rules; 1) respectful tone; 2) phone on 'do not disturb' from 8p-4a and can only be used when Sir goes out for a smoke break unless Sir is not home then I must turn off 'do not disturb' and have my phone by me at all times. Then we have our unwritten rules: 1) I sleep with no bra on every night. If either are broken I am punished. Now the definition of a ritual is:
A religious or solemn ceremony consisting of a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order.
Rituals to me would be the stuff we do upon his departure from the home, upon his arrival home, before I get into bed, etc. I think it is also safe to say that downtime and maintenance spankings fall under rituals. The definition of protocols is this :
The official procedure or system of rules governing affairs of state or diplomatic occasion.
Protocols for D/s are how I am to behave in certain situations. For example, Low Protocol is for when we have vanilla friends over. I am allowed to speak freely with a respectful tone at all times and I cannot saying anything demeaning about Sir or any male in the area. Medium Protocol is for when we are not with family or friends. I am to use Sir in every text, I cannot say "ok" in response to Sir, I must maintain a respectful tone, take care of Sir's needs, etc. Lastly, High Protocol is for playtime where I am not to speak unless spoken too.
Rituals are not something we have in place yet but we need. Protocols are not really enforced. Sir doesn't say much and it drives me nuts. I am not directed during any form of intercourse or even during the day. I am not directed during downtime. Sir generally just calls me over and points or assumes I know what he wants me to do. When he starts a scene Sir doesn't say anything again he just calls me over and physically directs me. During a scene once again Sir doesn't say anything and I am not sure what he wants me to do. Mr. Fox actually just wrote a blog post about this the other day. I know Sir reads his posts I just wish he started putting some of it into practice. I am not trying to make our D/s-m look like theirs but some of what they have is what we need and mostly what I want. I don't need a 3 hour scene every other day but I do need little things like rituals either every day, every other day or every few days that remind me who I am. I am tried of having to find my own ways of reminding myself who I am without Sir's direction. Which is only satisfying about 50% of the time.
We started off so well and it might have been to much to quickly but now almost two months in it was better then what's going on right now. I feel like Sir isn't enforcing anything we agreed on and I am "getting away" with stuff. I do not enjoy punishments by any means but I do enjoy his control over me and currently I am missing it.
Sir and I have talked about setting a day of the week for scenes so that we get at least one a week, nourishment/maintenance spankings and downtime. We have both agreed they would be good and beneficial. However none of them have happened regularly. Sir keeps saying he doesn't feel I should be punished if I am doing everything right during the day. I don't know why he thinks its punishment to give me what I need to stay in the right mindset but its not accurate. I need the above listed things. They "feed" my sub for a lack of a better word. Without regular reminders of who I am the vanilla side of me starts creeping in and taking over which isn't that hard being that we are only two months into this.
I have asked Sir for rituals and protocols. Both of which I feel are important in a D/s marriage. However Sir seems to not think thats what we need because I don't know what they are. So I did some research. At the moment we have two written rules; 1) respectful tone; 2) phone on 'do not disturb' from 8p-4a and can only be used when Sir goes out for a smoke break unless Sir is not home then I must turn off 'do not disturb' and have my phone by me at all times. Then we have our unwritten rules: 1) I sleep with no bra on every night. If either are broken I am punished. Now the definition of a ritual is:
A religious or solemn ceremony consisting of a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order.
Rituals to me would be the stuff we do upon his departure from the home, upon his arrival home, before I get into bed, etc. I think it is also safe to say that downtime and maintenance spankings fall under rituals. The definition of protocols is this :
The official procedure or system of rules governing affairs of state or diplomatic occasion.
Protocols for D/s are how I am to behave in certain situations. For example, Low Protocol is for when we have vanilla friends over. I am allowed to speak freely with a respectful tone at all times and I cannot saying anything demeaning about Sir or any male in the area. Medium Protocol is for when we are not with family or friends. I am to use Sir in every text, I cannot say "ok" in response to Sir, I must maintain a respectful tone, take care of Sir's needs, etc. Lastly, High Protocol is for playtime where I am not to speak unless spoken too.
Rituals are not something we have in place yet but we need. Protocols are not really enforced. Sir doesn't say much and it drives me nuts. I am not directed during any form of intercourse or even during the day. I am not directed during downtime. Sir generally just calls me over and points or assumes I know what he wants me to do. When he starts a scene Sir doesn't say anything again he just calls me over and physically directs me. During a scene once again Sir doesn't say anything and I am not sure what he wants me to do. Mr. Fox actually just wrote a blog post about this the other day. I know Sir reads his posts I just wish he started putting some of it into practice. I am not trying to make our D/s-m look like theirs but some of what they have is what we need and mostly what I want. I don't need a 3 hour scene every other day but I do need little things like rituals either every day, every other day or every few days that remind me who I am. I am tried of having to find my own ways of reminding myself who I am without Sir's direction. Which is only satisfying about 50% of the time.
We started off so well and it might have been to much to quickly but now almost two months in it was better then what's going on right now. I feel like Sir isn't enforcing anything we agreed on and I am "getting away" with stuff. I do not enjoy punishments by any means but I do enjoy his control over me and currently I am missing it.
Following Instructions (01/14/2014)
A post of some sort was requested by Sir a week or so ago. I have been meaning to do it but things have gotten in the way physically and mentally.
Lately with the slow down of D/s over here my brain has been questioning the whole lifestyle. It's like there is a full blown debate going on in my head. My vanilla side pops in saying its wrong this is wrong I shouldn't let him hit me like that blah blah blah. Then my sub side pops in saying but it's AWESOME and I have become the person I have always wanted to be. This "argument" doesn't go on all day every day its just randomly throughout the day. I am not entirely sure why it happens but I do know that its normal for how new we are to this. Its something that has been talked about on LK's blog in the chatroom. I wish I could make my brain stop with this vanilla vs sub debate. It affects my day and my mood. Things I have found pleasure in doing I find hard to do during this "debate". I personally think this happens because I have to much time to think. lol. I have become so good at my day to day stuff that Sir and I haven't really figured out the next step leaving me with lots of thinking time. I know once we are farther in this that these "debates" will happen less and less and eventually they won't happen at all. At the moment I am just trying to power through and not get myself into to much trouble. ;)
Lately with the slow down of D/s over here my brain has been questioning the whole lifestyle. It's like there is a full blown debate going on in my head. My vanilla side pops in saying its wrong this is wrong I shouldn't let him hit me like that blah blah blah. Then my sub side pops in saying but it's AWESOME and I have become the person I have always wanted to be. This "argument" doesn't go on all day every day its just randomly throughout the day. I am not entirely sure why it happens but I do know that its normal for how new we are to this. Its something that has been talked about on LK's blog in the chatroom. I wish I could make my brain stop with this vanilla vs sub debate. It affects my day and my mood. Things I have found pleasure in doing I find hard to do during this "debate". I personally think this happens because I have to much time to think. lol. I have become so good at my day to day stuff that Sir and I haven't really figured out the next step leaving me with lots of thinking time. I know once we are farther in this that these "debates" will happen less and less and eventually they won't happen at all. At the moment I am just trying to power through and not get myself into to much trouble. ;)
Cuffs & Collars (01/09/2014)
When we started this journey the thought of cuffs or a collar that I may have to wear all the time sounded horrible. I was so uninterested. However in the short period we have been doing this I have grown to want them. To me their a visual reminder of who I am. Lately I've been finding myself trying to use anything or get ahold of something that could symbolize cuffs for me. I have also been looking at collars. I finally found some wrap bracelets at the store. They aren't anything fancy but they were doing the trick. It was an amazing feeling to have Sir remove them so I could shower and put them back on when I was ready. I hope one day maybe for a D/s anniversary or something Sir gets me daytime cuffs. The idea of him picking out something like that for me sounds so beautiful. I have heard of other subs being collared on their one year D/s anniversary. At the end of the day I am learning that cuffs more then a collar means something to me and I want very much to have a pretty pair all my own. :)
2014 (01/03/2014)
I've been thinking lately about this new year. I want so much out of 2014 that I'm trying to prioritize everything. My biggest goal this year is my submission. I want it to be my second nature and not a conscious decision I make every day. I want to melt and practically fall to my knees when my Sir touches me because kneeling before him is the greatest form of submission I can give him. I want the d/s life 24/7. We are working towards that yet I am still yearning for more. I look forward to when my Sir steps more into his Dom shoes and wears them comfortable. I want Sir to push me until I break and then push me some more. I wanna see how many times Sir can break me before I can't stand or even hold my body up. I want to accomplish a squirting 'O'. I want to experience subspace that forces Sir to stop until I can respond. I want to orgasm when Sir tells me to and not struggle with having an orgasm. 2014 is such a big year for us and I am trying hard to enjoy it one day at a time.
Bath Time (12/30/2013)
Sir had just arrived home from work. He was sore and tired and in need of some pampering. He told me that tonight I was going to rub his feet and then draw him a bath. I responded with the correct response of "Yes Sir". Sir took a few moment to grab us a drink and have a cigarette. When he came inside he sat in his chair and I kneeled at his feet. We talked while I rub his sore feet. After I was done Sir had me kneel at his side and put my head in his lap as we continued our conversation. I have grown to love this time. It calms me and keeps me centered. It reminds me of who I am and what we do and it makes me feel cherished. After we were done Sir requested my presence during a cigarette and we went outside. When we were done he told me to grab our drinks and go start his bath. I did so accordingly and started the water. After Sir found the right temperature for his bath I added baking soda, sea salt and lavender vanilla oil in hopes that this would relax Sir and help his sore muscles. Once Sir was in the bath I kneeled by his side and listened while he talked and responded accordingly. Sir had me wash his body and hair while we talked about me going back to school for hair. A little fitting if I do say so myself. lol. When Sir was done in the bath I stood and grabbed his towel waiting to dry him off. I dried half of his body until I was kneeling in front of him. Sir grab my head and put his cock in my mouth. His cock is so delicious. As he erection got larger I continued to move back and forth on him. Showing all my love and appreciation for Sir. He grabbed my hair and began to move himself in and out of my mouth. Oh how I love when Sir fucks my face. It is my favorite sub feeling. Sir pulled himself from my mouth and walked behind me. He had me stand to my feet, put one foot on the step and the other over to the right a little. Sir said he was admiring his toy. He said I was his favorite toy. Oh how I love to be Sir's favorite toy. My reward was coming and I didn't even know it yet. *smack* the hits began and I made sure to count and thank Sir for everyone. They were delicious fire and I wanted to be hot. Sir is truly to good to me. After awhile we switched legs and he continued with my hits. The room was getting cloudy and my eyes were getting heavy but I loved each hit I received. I am not sure but if I could label it I would say I was subspacey. Each on is so erotic and beautiful. Sir grabbed my throat, pushed me against his body and whispered into my ear that I am his. Yes Sir I am yours, always and forever! Sir then told me to kneel in front of the tub as always. He continued my hits and I did my best to remember the number and to always thank him; all the while Sir is telling me what a good girl I am and how beautiful I am. Oh how I love to please Sir!! My hits continue only this time they aren't just on my ass. Sir is venturing out and hitting my back and my sides. Oh those definitely sting a little more then my ass but they feel so delicious. I continue counting and thanking him. Sir sees my knees slipping and decides to move me. He says my knees will give out before my will does. Sir knows me so well!! Sir picks me up and directs me to the foot board of our bed. He tells me to rest my hands on the foot board and arch my back. I do as I am told. Sir puts the leather flail in my mouth to hold for him while he takes pictures of the body of HIS submissive. I have noticed recently that that is becoming one of our playtime rituals. It is nice to have a ritual we moved very naturally into. Once Sir is pleased with the images he captured he continues my hits. I have come back from what I think is subspace and the hits sting a little more then they did before but they were ever so delicious! I believe Sir gave me ten more hits and then we moved. He told me to grab and anal toy and a pussy toy. I grabbed my we vibe 3 to try in my ass and my new dildo for my pussy. He also instructed me to grab my cuffs. We have only used the cuffs once so I am excited to see where this goes. Sir tells me to get a drink because it will be awhile before I have another. Sir directs me to the edge of the bed and has me sit. He cuffs my hands but doesn't link them. He pushes me back, opens my leg and tells me he is going to give me a hickey on the inside of my thigh. Oh boy I wonder how that is going to feel!! "Yes Sir" I say. Si begins his work on my inner thigh. The sucking feels like little pinches and I am soaking in the sensation. Once Sir is satisfied with his work he links my cuffs under my legs and then cuffs and links my ankles. My holes are now completely exposed and ever so beautiful. Sir grabs the We Vibe 3 for my ass and begins inserting it while I have the dildo on my clit to help relax. Since the We Vibe vibrates it wasn't too difficult to insert. The sensation of it in my ass is absolutely amazing. Sir then grabs the dildo from me and pushes it into my pussy. I gasp. The sensation of the vibrating dildo in my pussy and the vibrating We Vibe in my ass was breathtaking.. literally. Sir continues his torture on my pussy while I work on my breathing. The last time Sir wanted one of his orgasms I was unable to make it happen and I do not want that to happen again. Sir also knows that giving him control of my orgasms and being able to hold things in my ass are two things I want to accomplish. Sir then hands me the dildo for me to use on my clit and he starts massaging my perineum. I was having so many new sensations it was slightly overwhelming but I was enjoying them at the same time. Sir told me I couldn't cum until I asked. I love this and I hate it. I love it because I love having Sir's permission for anything and everything. I hate it because for myself I have to time it just right or I loose the orgasm. My orgasms are difficult but we are working on them. So I run the risk of asking too earlier or too late depending on what his response is. My only option at this point is to relax and focus. I feel the climax and ask Sir if I can cum. He asks if I think I can and I respond with maybe. He tells me not to ask again unless I am sure I can come. "Yes Sir" I say. Back to work I go. Now the cllimax is stronger and I am sure I could give Sir his orgasm but I wait. I want to be sure and not disappoint Sir. The feeling is getting stronger but I hold on for just a little longer. I am half torturing myself and its beautiful! I then feel as though I am going to orgasm before asking if I don't ask right now. So I ask praying Sir says yes so that I do not loose this climax. The amazing Sir that he is says yes immediately and I do not have to wait. The orgasm begins. I was slightly disappointed because after getting permission what I felt after wasn't as strong but I held on and Sir kept working my perineum which was definitely helping. Then it happened. I gave Sir his 'O' as requested and my body quivered and twitched in pleasure. I am not sure if I was in subspace before but I was sure of it now. My body was heavy and I could barely keep my eyes open. I am not sure why Sir asked all night if I wanted to stop. It seemed like a weird question since I don't think I have a choice unless I call 'red' but alas Sir asked me if I was done and I responded with "is there a wrong answer". Sir said there's an answer. So I told him I could be done. In all honesty I was torn. I wanted the assault on my body to continue I wanted to be pushed to edge over and over again. I wanted to see how much I could take. I also knew that it was probably later then I thought and my children would be up in just a few short hours. Sir decided we would stop and started aftercare and put me to bed. I waited for Sir to climb into bed and I drifted off into a gloriously pain driven sleep!!
Irate Child (12/28/2013)
After our last guest left Sir came to the bedroom where he found me laying in bed still awake as directed. I knew I was going to be spanked for hitting Sir earlier in the night. Sir looked at me and told me where I needed to go. I could have assumed he meant the bathroom because that's where we've been the last couple nights however I have not been spanked as punishment in the bathroom. It's really annoying to me that I am suppose to guess what Sir wants to assume what he's trying to say. Well of course I didn't do what I thought he wanted me to do. Instead I made comment about how I didn't understand where he wanted me and how I didn't know why I was going to the bathroom since I was in trouble. Sir told me he was going to spank me for hitting him earlier and then he was going to spank me for play. Once again I didn't shut my mouth. I know I know, I am asking for it. This time I said to Sir that he can't spank me in punishment and then spank me for fun right after especially when I enjoy spankings. It just seemed confusing to me and I don't think I would have taken the punishment seriously. Sir then tells me to kneel by the bed. Ok now I'm really confused because that means Sir wants me to suck his cock but I thought I was being punished. I plop on my knees and cross my arms. I'm irritated at this point. Only repeating to myself that this is why we don't play after excessive drinking. Sir is all over the place and not being direct with his statements. Sir asks me if that was a good idea. I replied "probably not" in a sarcastic tone. I bring up that I thought I was in trouble and now I'm going to suck his cock?? Sir tells me he wants me to kneel because he thought I needed a moment. I explained to Sir that he needed to say that. Sir said "do I have to explain everything". I said "no Sir you don't unless it goes against our norm and then yes you do because I can't read your mind". Sir didn't say anything else. He eventually told me to get back in bed and left the room. My insides dropped to the floor. I had really screwed up and I was so upset with myself. I continues to kneel trying to reclaim myself. Shortly before Sir walks back into the room I climb into bed and let the tears fall to the pillow. I am so disappointed in myself. It kills me when Sir walks away from me after that. I can feel his disappoint radiating off of him. It really sucks. Sir asks me what's wrong and I speak very little but give a general idea. Sir talks with me for a little. He then instructs me to go sit by his chair in the livingroom and take off my nightie. He follows me to the livingroom and he pulls me close. We discuss why I am being punished. I am ready for it. I want to move past my ridiculousness and try and turn the night around. I position myself over Sir's knee and I prepare myself. I have no idea how many hits I'm going to get but at this point I don't think I cared. *smack* the first hit stings but it's welcoming. I say nothing because I wasn't directed to. Sir asks me what I'm suppose to say. "One sorry Sir" I say. *smack* "two sorry Sir". *smack* "three sorry Sir". My ass is on fire. The tears are rolling now and I'm doing my best to not let it get in the way of my counting. I'm not crying from the pain. I think I'm crying that I have put Sir in this position because of my mouth. *smack* "eight sorry Sir". *smack* "nine sorry Sir". *smack* "ten sorry Sir". It's all over and I barely got through. The last hit took the wind out of me. Sir places my head in his lap and rubs my back as he always does after a punishment spanking. After that the whole night is a blur and I may have reached subspace. I honestly don't know. I remember spending the night on my knees sucking Sir's cock. Sir asked me if I deserved an erotic spanking. I said "no sir". Sir asked me why. "I've been a bad girl Sir" I said. Sir looked down at me and said good answer. Reflecting (12/27/2013)
Sitting in the tub soaking all the toxins out (hopefully) and reflecting on all 2013 brought to our table.
The year started a bit slow. Our income wasn't what we needed to survive and we had just moved but we got through it.
Then the summer hours at the restaurant took a toll but once again we got through.
Sir and I are good at that getting through stuff. However getting through it has been taking a serious toll.
Sir and I are hardly intimate, we fought over silly stuff, we felt alone and unwanted. It was getting sad and hard to find a reason to be married.
Then one sunny day Sir sent me a message. A message that would change our lives forever.
A message I will cherish forever. Sir asked me if I would be interested in being tied down during sex.
That opened the door to a D/s lifestyle we didn't know we wanted.
We are a little over a month into it and it's changed our connection completely.
I am more honest with Sir. I am becoming more of the women I have wanted to be but never knew how.
It fills me with so much joy to please Sir even if at first I am hesitant.
I am still learning to clear out the vanilla thoughts.
I don't know why it took so long to get here but I am glad we are here.
I am so excited for what the future holds. :)
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