Self discovery

In this time of finding me and learning about this new life we have begun exploring I find myself getting irritated and frustrated because I don't have all the answers already or I am really unsure what the answer is. I know I am not suppose to have the answers right now and it will take time to get them and even then they could change. I am just not use to not having answers, not knowing the answers or not having a plan to get the answer. 

It's in these moments that I realize how much I truly need my Sir and his Dominance over me. It's also in these moments that I am reminded I am a submissive and no matter how much I might question that it is true. 

As a newbie I find myself during low points telling myself I am crazy for wanting this life. I mean why would I willingly want to be told what to do and be given guidelines to follow that have punishments If not followed. 

The answer to that is because it frees me from myself. My brain runs nonstop!! I am constantly worrying about anything and everything and making myself paranoid about stuff that hasn't happened and might not ever happen. It's a crazy hectic world inside my head. I have not learned how to slow it down. 

(A little background)

Growing up I became an "adult" at age 6. I had two little sisters one was 4 years old and the other a newborn baby only a few months old. My mom was sick with epilepsy and my dad was active duty military and on deployment a lot. So I stepped up and stepped in. From that point forward I had two sometimes three people to worry about between my mom and my sisters. Hence the constant worrying now. My mom didn't really get well enough to handle parenting until I was in high school and by then I was no longer a child as much as they tried to make me just be a kid. 

So when Sir tells me my chores for the days or what he expects from me, whether he knows this or not, it frees me from anything and everything else I could possibly worry about that day because I have now been told what to focus on and nothing else, besides the children and whatever else Sir might need, matters. 

As Sir and I step further into our roles and learn more about who we are in our roles; I know this will only get better and I am so excited for the journey regardless of how dark it can get sometimes! 

Frustrated

My pathetic pointless waste of time mad red fish (my period) has arrived in its lame force. 

The last couple days I have just been irritated at everything. Sir isn't doing enough, Sir isn't doing it right, I feel like a piece of meat and not a cherished possession, I am sick of cleaning, I'm sick of doing the dish, I want to cry, I want to scream.. As you can see I am all over the place. The hardest part in my submission is keeping my mouth shut when I'm like this and dealing with the emotions. I have never been good at either.

My whole life I have kept my emotions to myself about anything and everything until I exploded. That of course never ended well. Now I am in this new lifestyle that I love and shortly after finding it my life was in the mud and the D/s awesomeness we just found was the last thing to be taken care of. 

I no longer know how to keep myself together and any of Sir's attempts to be in control I feel is him just being an ass. Before today I felt like we were still moving forward but now I feel like I am back at square one having to start all over with myself since I've been skating by doing whatever I want and getting away with it because Sir is so busy. Of course I accept that these feelings are possibly from my emotions running high today. I also acknowledge that this is possibly part of the journey since this is the first major road block we've hit since we started. Either way I am not feeling very good about myself today and I am trying really hard to be in a submissive mindset. 

Hoping that writing it all right now will help me in the rest of my day. 

My Submission (02/14/2014)

I started this awhile ago but all I got was a title. Trying to define those words "my submission" is proving to be hard for me. From the start I never wanted to seem fake or look like a wanna-be. My biggest fear in life is to be perceived as fake. 

I want this life!!!

I want to be submissive!!!

When we started this three short months ago it changed my life over night. Just saying that I wanted to be my Sir's submissive released so much stress and weight off my shoulders. Asking permission for purchases or having guidelines made waking up and doing what needed to be done so much easier. At the beginning I wasn't a fan of kneeling. Then it became so calming to kneel. Then there were times where I just felt the need to kneel at Sir's feet and have him caress my hair. The feeling of being at his feet and having him caress my hair calmed any emotions that could have been building up in the background. I found myself not being able to go without touching him every day. Before this there were days where we had very little contact. Now I itch to touch him even if it's just our feet. 

I know that this slightly contradicts my frustrated post. Lol. Prior to my Sir getting sick the above paragraph is how life was. It was amazing!!!! In January Sir was diagnosed with a second hernia and slowly I feel as though I am loosing sight of my submission and what it means to me. I keep trying to understand what I want but I have the hardest time finding the right words for anything or shutting off my brain long enough to focus on my submission. 

I read a post today that has me in fear that I'm fake. That feeling alone isn't helping me but I don't know what I'm doing anymore or how to do it. Some would say this is a spiral and I need a reset and I may agree I just don't know if it would actually help. 

However back to my submission. Regardless of how I feel at the moment or what's going on I want this life too bad to let go so easily. If it means I have to wander in the dark for a little while longer I will do just that until I see that light that puts it all back into place for me. 

I love being Sir's Sotto. I love being his possession. He always takes good care of me and he always knows what's best. I love giving myself to him for his pleasure. I love pleasing him. My whole life makes sense when I am on my knees in front of him. I love the release Sir gives me when he spanks me. Sir knows me best and always knows how to deal with all the different sides of me. I honestly don't think I could ever go back to a regular vanilla life. I believe that acknowledgment in itself means to me I can't be fake. (Overtime you will learn I don't have a lot of confidence in myself.. Lol) 

As a newbie I am just trying to figure out what all this truly means to me and leave all the possible different sides to me. Sorry this post is slightly a roller coaster ride of back and forth. Lol. 

Dreams & Fantasies (01/19/2014)

I have been thinking a lot about this topic lately since we have had to take a step back for Sir's health. Some are bedroom related some are just sweet things I hope Sir does for me at a special time or anytime for that matter. I know Sir needs me to tell him things I want and when its playtime related I understand that. There are, however, other things my girlie side hopes Sir does in this adventure that I don't want to directly tell him I want them I kinda want to lay the hint before him and hope someday he takes it and puts it to work. For this reason I am thankful for this application that allows me to lay those hints and allow Sir to read them at his own leisure and use when he feels the time is ready if he wants to use them at all. 

In regards to my bedroom fantasies I was recently able to tell Sir this more directly but in case I missed anything I will add it here too. lol. 

I dream of the day were Sir is more comfortable with setting a rhythm to my hits and going one after another. When in a scene I practically want to tell him to do that but I know it is not my place. Sir is on a journey too and I need to be patient that he will get to a part where he is comfortable hitting me that frequently. I believe Sir is still trying to wrap his head around the fact that I like spankings at all. lol. He has asked me why I like them but that is something I still cannot answer at the moment.  I also dream that Sir uses different objects in our house to tie me down on verses just tying me to the bed. For example, we have a dining room chair that he could easily tie me to for playtime hits. Just thinking about it is making my heart rate rise. As I said in my 2014 post I want to be pushed. I want to see how many times I can break and how long I can last in subspace before its too much. I look forward to when Sir is more comfortable with pushing my boundaries and of course when he is well enough to begin that journey. 

As far as the outside of the bedroom dreams and fantasies. These are very girlie and I even feel a little silly saying them but they would be so important to me and my submission. They would be a moment between us that signifies the commitment we are making. I want the outward expression of the inward commitment Sir and I have now made to each other similar to the one we made on our wedding day and the rings we wear to show it. First I would like to replace my wedding ring with something that signifies our new beginning and our new commitment. (Sir hasn't read this yet but I think I just heard him gasp at the thought of buying me a new ring.. lol) I am not saying I need a whole new set and all the fancy stuff. I am more talking just a band of some sort with or without diamonds that is engraved on the inside with something he chooses that means my submission to him. I also want daytime cuffs. I have already found some that I really like and have saved them to my email. I will dig out the link and post it at the bottom! :) I want Sir to cuff me in a sort of ceremonious way.  Both of these things are Sir my Dom staking his claim or marking his territory if you will. Both are visual reminders to me of the commitment we made. I also think it would be really awesome for Sir to do one of these for our one year D/s anniversary. In my mind that is a big day for us and very important. I do not want to overlook it as just another day. In my mind its like we got married all over again and we get a fresh start.. out with the old in with the new. I would even go as far as to say its more important then our wedding day because that day and the years to follow were full of heartache and hard times. I know everyone goes through that but its our past now and we are moving forward to a brighter future. However I truly love my rings because they have lots of meaning too.. So now that I have posted that not sure if I would be able to not wear it.. Might wear the other ring on my other hand.. lol.. However if Sir feels this is a good idea or can read between the lines and finds it important I would be more then happy to obey! :)

DTS Training (01/18/2014)

Hahaha. I cannot help but laugh. If you were present yesterday around 7pm PST then you know what it is.. If not then here it is. Lol. My Sir decided to inform everyone that I can deep throat.. LK then nicknamed me Deep Throat Sotto (DTS). After further discussion on the topic I offered to write a forum post about what I do during a BJ that allows me to deep throat without gagging so bad I have to stop. I decided to title this DTS Training since there is already a deep throat post. Lol. 

Last night I was able to accomplish this homework and I will do my best to explain. 

First when I give Sir a BJ he is normally laying on the bed and I have free reign to do what I want unless he grabs me by the hair. What I do can work for any form of a BJ whether its during playtime or just while your Sir is sitting watching tv. 

When trying to deep throat think about chugging water. Think about what you do with your throat to allow yourself to take more then one sip at one time. Also concentrate, think about what you are doing or what you are going to do. Pep talk yourself in your head. Remember mind over matter. Tell yourself you aren't going to gag but if you happen to gag tell yourself nothing is going to happen and you will only gag once. One of the comments I believe on the deep throat forum post said while brushing your teeth use your tooth brush to practice controlling your gag reflex. I would add to also while brushing your teeth practice concentrating. Tell yourself you are going to brush the far back of your throat and you aren't going to gag but if you do you will only gag once.  If you feel confident while brushing your teeth as well tell yourself you are going to brush the far back of your throat and do it for as long as you can.  If it helps have your Sir direct you while you are brushing your teeth since we all want to please our Sir. 


Here is what happens during a BJ I give my Sir. Most of the BJs outside of playtime Sir is laying on the bed and doesn't take me by the hair until the very end so I will start with those ones.  When I initially take Sir into my mouth I get him wet so that my mouth slides over him easier. I then just begin to go up and down with my eyes closed and listen for his moans and groans.  Having my eyes closed unless otherwise informed helps me concentrate on what I am doing. Over the years Sir's groans have taught me that what I am doing he is really enjoying. I take him completely in my mouth a few times. Before each one I tell myself I am going to take him completely in. Then I do it; I also run my tongue side to side at the base of his cock when he is completely in my mouth. Between the prep and concentrating on something else helps me not to gag. Also I do not fear gagging. I think if you fear it it will happen. Gagging on Sir's cock is sexy to me. I couldn't tell you why but it is.. lol.. Sometimes I deep throat Sir multiple times in a row, kind of like the head of his cock is bouncing off the back of my throat. Once again I tell myself before I do it and then I just do it. If Sir wants me to take him in completely and hold it then I take a few deep breathes while moving up and down Sir a little slower to catch my breath and then I take one deep breath and go for it.  I also know when Sir is about to grab my head to finish because his legs tense and sometimes he grabs the wrist of the hand that is not touching him. Knowing that I tell myself what's about to happen and that its going to be fast and furious and then done and we can do it. 

Now if the BJ is during playtime the same thing applies. Lately I have been kneeling over the tub during playtime but there have been a few times where I have been tied to the bed or my head has been hanging over the bed. Either way I concentrate on what is happening and I pep talk myself.  Playtime BJs are similar but Sir takes me by the hair more and does what he pleases. However all the same techniques apply. 

As subs we all want to please our Sir. Knowing that use it during your pep talk. Tell yourself that it would please him. Also do not fear that you won't be able to do it. I believe fearing any of it holds you back from reaching your full potential or learning what that is. For practice ask your Sir if you can give him a BJ and you have free reign so that you can practice concentrating taking him in all the way so that during playtime you can please him more.  Toothbrushes are a good start but they are all about the same size and our Sir is not so practicing with the real thing helps better.

I truly hopes this helps all my fellow subbies out there. I know I don't have a special technique or something I physically do to help but concentrating and pep talking myself truly helps me. Over time it comes more naturally and you just do it by nature and don't really think about it. Once you have accomplished a BJ with minimal gagging and lots of deep throat your confidence will boost and you will find yourself doing it more and more easily. 

If anyone has any questions feel free to ask and I will do my best to answer. Also if you are also like me and can deep throat easily please leave a comment adding anything to help others trying to accomplish this. 

Mindset (01/14/2014)

Sir requested a post about what we've done and what I need to keep me in the mindset. This whole notebook is full of what we've done so I am not sure what needs to be said in that regards or if he is looking for something specific. I do realize that bath time was the last "scene" I posted on but since then there hasn't really been any scenes. Sir cuffed me and made me orgasm twice which was blissful but I wish there would have been more to it. I know he was trying to help me learn to orgasm more easily. Which is something I struggle with but that night didn't have much happen that needed a post. Then since then we had vanilla with a twist sex. I was cuffed and Sir fucked and spanked me but I think it lasted all of 30 minutes. I am by no means saying I do not appreciate any of it. Some contact from Sir is better then no contact. All I am saying is none of that really feeds me or at least I don't feel feed after that I feel as though Sir has been feed which is great. I haven't orgasmed at least the last two times we have had sexual intercourse of any kind. Which only makes me feel like we are going backwards not forwards. I know Sir is busy with school right now and now there is another hernia surgery in the future. I am trying to be as understanding as I can but this is going to fall apart if we so easily left life get in the way. 

Sir and I have talked about setting a day of the week for scenes so that we get at least one a week, nourishment/maintenance spankings and downtime.  We have both agreed they would be good and beneficial. However none of them have happened regularly. Sir keeps saying he doesn't feel I should be punished if I am doing everything right during the day. I don't know why he thinks its punishment to give me what I need to stay in the right mindset but its not accurate. I need the above listed things. They "feed" my sub for a lack of a better word. Without regular reminders of who I am the vanilla side of me starts creeping in and taking over which isn't that hard being that we are only two months into this. 

I have asked Sir for rituals and protocols. Both of which I feel are important in a D/s marriage. However Sir seems to not think thats what we need because I don't know what they are. So I did some research. At the moment we have two written rules; 1) respectful tone; 2) phone on 'do not disturb' from 8p-4a and can only be used when Sir goes out for a smoke break unless Sir is not home then I must turn off 'do not disturb' and have my phone by me at all times. Then we have our unwritten rules: 1) I sleep with no bra on every night. If either are broken I am punished. Now the definition of a ritual is:

A religious or solemn ceremony consisting of a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order. 

Rituals to me would be the stuff we do upon his departure from the home, upon his arrival home, before I get into bed, etc. I think it is also safe to say that downtime and maintenance spankings fall under rituals. The definition of protocols is this : 

The official procedure or system of rules governing affairs of state or diplomatic occasion. 

Protocols for D/s are how I am to behave in certain situations. For example, Low Protocol is for when we have vanilla friends over. I am allowed to speak freely with a respectful tone at all times and I cannot saying anything demeaning about Sir or any male in the area. Medium Protocol is for when we are not with family or friends. I am to use Sir in every text, I cannot say "ok" in response to Sir, I must maintain a respectful tone, take care of Sir's needs, etc. Lastly, High Protocol is for playtime where I am not to speak unless spoken too. 

Rituals are not something we have in place yet but we need. Protocols are not really enforced. Sir doesn't say much and it drives me nuts. I am not directed during any form of intercourse or even during the day. I am not directed during downtime. Sir generally just calls me over and points or assumes I know what he wants me to do. When he starts a scene Sir doesn't say anything again he just calls me over and physically directs me. During a scene once again Sir doesn't say anything and I am not sure what he wants me to do. Mr. Fox actually just wrote a blog post about this the other day. I know Sir reads his posts I just wish he started putting some of it into practice. I am not trying to make our D/s-m look like theirs but some of what they have is what we need and mostly what I want. I don't need a 3 hour scene every other day but I do need little things like rituals either every day, every other day or every few days that remind me who I am.  I am tried of having to find my own ways of reminding myself who I am without Sir's direction. Which is only satisfying about 50% of the time. 

We started off so well and it might have been to much to quickly but now almost two months in it was better then what's going on right now. I feel like Sir isn't enforcing anything we agreed on and I am "getting away" with stuff. I do not enjoy punishments by any means but I do enjoy his control over me and currently I am missing it.  

Following Instructions (01/14/2014)

 A post of some sort was requested by Sir a week or so ago. I have been meaning to do it but things have gotten in the way physically and mentally. 

Lately with the slow down of D/s over here my brain has been questioning the whole lifestyle. It's like there is a full blown debate going on in my head. My vanilla side pops in saying its wrong this is wrong I shouldn't let him hit me like that blah blah blah. Then my sub side pops in saying but it's AWESOME and I have become the person I have always wanted to be. This "argument" doesn't go on all day every day its just randomly throughout the day. I am not entirely sure why it happens but I do know that its normal for how new we are to this. Its something that has been talked about on LK's blog in the chatroom. I wish I could make my brain stop with this vanilla vs sub debate. It affects my day and my mood. Things I have found pleasure in doing I find hard to do during this "debate".  I personally think this happens because I have to much time to think. lol. I have become so good at my day to day stuff that Sir and I haven't really figured out the next step leaving me with lots of thinking time. I know once we are farther in this that these "debates" will happen less and less and eventually they won't happen at all.  At the moment I am just trying to power through and not get myself into to much trouble. ;)

Cuffs & Collars (01/09/2014)

When we started this journey the thought of cuffs or a collar that I may have to wear all the time sounded horrible. I was so uninterested. However in the short period we have been doing this I have grown to want them. To me their a visual reminder of who I am. Lately I've been finding myself trying to use anything or get ahold of something that could symbolize cuffs for me. I have also been looking at collars. I finally found some wrap bracelets at the store. They aren't anything fancy but they were doing the trick. It was an amazing feeling to have Sir remove them so I could shower and put them back on when I was ready. I hope one day maybe for a D/s anniversary or something Sir gets me daytime cuffs. The idea of him picking out something like that for me sounds so beautiful. I have heard of other subs being collared on their one year D/s anniversary. At the end of the day I am learning that cuffs more then a collar means something to me and I want very much to have a pretty pair all my own. :) 

2014 (01/03/2014)

I've been thinking lately about this new year. I want so much out of 2014 that I'm trying to prioritize everything. My biggest goal this year is my submission. I want it to be my second nature and not a conscious decision I make every day. I want to melt and practically fall to my knees when my Sir touches me because kneeling before him is the greatest form of submission I can give him. I want the d/s life 24/7. We are working towards that yet I am still yearning for more. I look forward to when my Sir steps more into his Dom shoes and wears them comfortable. I want Sir to push me until I break and then push me some more. I wanna see how many times Sir can break me before I can't stand or even hold my body up. I want to accomplish a squirting 'O'. I want to experience subspace that forces Sir to stop until I can respond. I want to orgasm when Sir tells me to and not struggle with having an orgasm. 2014 is such a big year for us and I am trying hard to enjoy it one day at a time. 

Bath Time (12/30/2013)

Sir had just arrived home from work. He was sore and tired and in need of some pampering. He told me that tonight I was going to rub his feet and then draw him a bath.  I responded with the correct response of "Yes Sir".   Sir took a few moment to grab us a drink and have a cigarette. When he came inside he sat in his chair and I kneeled at his feet. We talked while I rub his sore feet. After I was done Sir had me kneel at his side and put my head in his lap as we continued our conversation. I have grown to love this time. It calms me and keeps me centered. It reminds me of who I am and what we do and it makes me feel cherished. After we were done Sir requested my presence during a cigarette and we went outside. When we were done he told me to grab our drinks and go start his bath. I did so accordingly and started the water. After Sir found the right temperature for his bath I added baking soda, sea salt and lavender vanilla oil in hopes that this would relax Sir and help his sore muscles. Once Sir was in the bath I kneeled by his side and listened while he talked and responded accordingly. Sir had me wash his body and hair while we talked about me going back to school for hair. A little fitting if I do say so myself. lol. When Sir was done in the bath I stood and grabbed his towel waiting to dry him off. I dried half of his body until I was kneeling in front of him. Sir grab my head and put his cock in my mouth. His cock is so delicious. As he erection got larger I continued to move back and forth on him. Showing all my love and appreciation for Sir. He grabbed my hair and began to move himself in and out of my mouth. Oh how I love when Sir fucks my face. It is my favorite sub feeling. Sir pulled himself from my mouth and walked behind me. He had me stand to my feet, put one foot on the step and the other over to the right a little. Sir said he was admiring his toy. He said I was his favorite toy. Oh how I love to be Sir's favorite toy. My reward was coming and I didn't even know it yet. *smack* the hits began and I made sure to count and thank Sir for everyone. They were delicious fire and I wanted to be hot. Sir is truly to good to me. After awhile we switched legs and he continued with my hits. The room was getting cloudy and my eyes were getting heavy but I loved each hit I received. I am not sure but if I could label it I would say I was subspacey. Each on is so erotic and beautiful. Sir grabbed my throat, pushed me against his body and whispered into my ear that I am his. Yes Sir I am yours, always and forever! Sir then told me to kneel in front of the tub as always. He continued my hits and I did my best to remember the number and to always thank him; all the while Sir is telling me what a good girl I am and how beautiful I am. Oh how I love to please Sir!! My hits continue only this time they aren't just on my ass. Sir is venturing out and hitting my back and my sides. Oh those definitely sting a little more then my ass but they feel so delicious. I continue counting and thanking him. Sir sees my knees slipping and decides to move me. He says my knees will give out before my will does. Sir knows me so well!! Sir picks me up and directs me to the foot board of our bed. He tells me to rest my hands on the foot board and arch my back. I do as I am told. Sir puts the leather flail in my mouth to hold for him while he takes pictures of the body of HIS submissive. I have noticed recently that that is becoming one of our playtime rituals. It is nice to have a ritual we moved very naturally into. Once Sir is pleased with the images he captured he continues my hits. I have come back from what I think is subspace and the hits sting a little more then they did before but they were ever so delicious! I believe Sir gave me ten more hits and then we moved. He told me to grab and anal toy and a pussy toy. I grabbed my we vibe 3 to try in my ass and my new dildo for my pussy. He also instructed me to grab my cuffs. We have only used the cuffs once so I am excited to see where this goes. Sir tells me to get a drink because it will be awhile before I have another. Sir directs me to the edge of the bed and has me sit. He cuffs my hands but doesn't link them. He pushes me back, opens my leg and tells me he is going to give me a hickey on the inside of my thigh. Oh boy I wonder how that is going to feel!! "Yes Sir" I say.  Si begins his work on my inner thigh. The sucking feels like little pinches and I am soaking in the sensation. Once Sir is satisfied with his work he links my cuffs under my legs and then cuffs and links my ankles. My holes are now completely exposed and ever so beautiful. Sir grabs the We Vibe 3 for my ass and begins inserting it while I have the dildo on my clit to help relax. Since the We Vibe vibrates it wasn't too difficult to insert. The sensation of it in my ass is absolutely amazing. Sir then grabs the dildo from me and pushes it into my pussy. I gasp. The sensation of the vibrating dildo in my pussy and the vibrating We Vibe in my ass was breathtaking.. literally. Sir continues his torture on my pussy while I work on my breathing. The last time Sir wanted one of his orgasms I was unable to make it happen and I do not want that to happen again. Sir also knows that giving him control of my orgasms and being able to hold things in my ass are two things I want to accomplish. Sir then hands me the dildo for me to use on my clit and he starts massaging my perineum. I was having so many new sensations it was slightly overwhelming but I was enjoying them at the same time. Sir told me I couldn't cum until I asked. I love this and I hate it. I love it because I love having Sir's permission for anything and everything. I hate it because for myself I have to time it just right or I loose the orgasm. My orgasms are difficult but we are working on them. So I run the risk of asking too earlier or too late depending on what his response is. My only option at this point is to relax and focus. I feel the climax and ask Sir if I can cum. He asks if I think I can and I respond with maybe. He tells me not to ask again unless I am sure I can come. "Yes Sir" I say. Back to work I go. Now the cllimax is stronger and I am sure I could give Sir his orgasm but I wait. I want to be sure and not disappoint Sir. The feeling is getting stronger but I hold on for just a little longer. I am half torturing myself and its beautiful! I then feel as though I am going to orgasm before asking if I don't ask right now. So I ask praying Sir says yes so that I do not loose this climax. The amazing Sir that he is says yes immediately and I do not have to wait. The orgasm begins. I was slightly disappointed because after getting permission what I felt after wasn't as strong but I held on and Sir kept working my perineum which was definitely helping. Then it happened. I gave Sir his 'O' as requested and my body quivered and twitched in pleasure. I am not sure if I was in subspace before but I was sure of it now. My body was heavy and I could barely keep my eyes open. I am not sure why Sir asked all night if I wanted to stop. It seemed like a weird question since I don't think I have a choice unless I call 'red' but alas Sir asked me if I was done and I responded with "is there a wrong answer". Sir said there's an answer. So I told him I could be done. In all honesty I was torn. I wanted the assault on my body to continue I wanted to be pushed to edge over and over again. I wanted to see how much I could take. I also knew that it was probably later then I thought and my children would be up in just a few short hours. Sir decided we would stop and started aftercare and put me to bed. I waited for Sir to climb into bed and I drifted off into a gloriously pain driven sleep!!  

Irate Child (12/28/2013)

After our last guest left Sir came to the bedroom where he found me laying in bed still awake as directed. I knew I was going to be spanked for hitting Sir earlier in the night. Sir looked at me and told me where I needed to go. I could have assumed he meant the bathroom because that's where we've been the last couple nights however I have not been spanked as punishment in the bathroom. It's really annoying to me that I am suppose to guess what Sir wants to assume what he's trying to say. Well of course I didn't do what I thought he wanted me to do. Instead I made comment about how I didn't understand where he wanted me and how I didn't know why I was going to the bathroom since I was in trouble. Sir told me he was going to spank me for hitting him earlier and then he was going to spank me for play. Once again I didn't shut my mouth. I know I know, I am asking for it. This time I said to Sir that he can't spank me in punishment and then spank me for fun right after especially when I enjoy spankings. It just seemed confusing to me and I don't think I would have taken the punishment seriously. Sir then tells me to kneel by the bed. Ok now I'm really confused because that means Sir wants me to suck his cock but I thought I was being punished. I plop on my knees and cross my arms. I'm irritated at this point. Only repeating to myself that this is why we don't play after excessive drinking. Sir is all over the place and not being direct with his statements. Sir asks me if that was a good idea. I replied "probably not" in a sarcastic tone. I bring up that I thought I was in trouble and now I'm going to suck his cock?? Sir tells me he wants me to kneel because he thought I needed a moment. I explained to Sir that he needed to say that. Sir said "do I have to explain everything". I said "no Sir you don't unless it goes against our norm and then yes you do because I can't read your mind". Sir didn't say anything else. He eventually told me to get back in bed and left the room. My insides dropped to the floor. I had really screwed up and I was so upset with myself. I continues to kneel trying to reclaim myself.  Shortly before Sir walks back into the room I climb into bed and let the tears fall to the pillow. I am so disappointed in myself. It kills me when Sir walks away from me after that. I can feel his disappoint radiating off of him. It really sucks. Sir asks me what's wrong and I speak very little but give a general idea. Sir talks with me for a little. He then instructs me to go sit by his chair in the livingroom and take off my nightie. He follows me to the livingroom and he pulls me close. We discuss why I am being punished. I am ready for it. I want to move past my ridiculousness and try and turn the night around. I position myself over Sir's knee and I prepare myself. I have no idea how many hits I'm going to get but at this point I don't think I cared. *smack* the first hit stings but it's welcoming. I say nothing because I wasn't directed to. Sir asks me what I'm suppose to say. "One sorry Sir" I say. *smack* "two sorry Sir". *smack* "three sorry Sir". My ass is on fire. The tears are rolling now and I'm doing my best to not let it get in the way of my counting. I'm not crying from the pain. I think I'm crying that I have put Sir in this position because of my mouth. *smack* "eight sorry Sir". *smack* "nine sorry Sir". *smack* "ten sorry Sir". It's all over and I barely got through. The last hit took the wind out of me. Sir places my head in his lap and rubs my back as he always does after a punishment spanking. After that the whole night is a blur and I may have reached subspace. I honestly don't know. I remember spending the night on my knees sucking Sir's cock.  Sir asked me if I deserved an erotic spanking. I said "no sir". Sir asked me why. "I've been a bad girl Sir" I said. Sir looked down at me and said good answer. 

Reflecting (12/27/2013)

Sitting in the tub soaking all the toxins out (hopefully) and reflecting on all 2013 brought to our table. 

The year started a bit slow. Our income wasn't what we needed to survive and we had just moved but we got through it. 

Then the summer hours at the restaurant took a toll but once again we got through. 

Sir and I are good at that getting through stuff. However getting through it has been taking a serious toll. 

Sir and I are hardly intimate, we fought over silly stuff, we felt alone and unwanted. It was getting sad and hard to find a reason to be married. 

Then one sunny day Sir sent me a message. A message that would change our lives forever. 

A message I will cherish forever. Sir asked me if I would be interested in being tied down during sex. 

That opened the door to a D/s lifestyle we didn't know we wanted. 

We are a little over a month into it and it's changed our connection completely. 

I am more honest with Sir. I am becoming more of the women I have wanted to be but never knew how. 

It fills me with so much joy to please Sir even if at first I am hesitant. 

I am still learning to clear out the vanilla thoughts. 

I don't know why it took so long to get here but I am glad we are here.

 I am so excited for what the future holds. :)

Spank Me Again, Please!!!!! (12/26/2013)

 It's Christmas Eve.

 I have said goodnight to the family that is sleeping in our living room and headed to our room to get ready for bed. I pull out my black nightgown and get undressed. No bras allowed according to Sir. I do my best to remember this. A few short minutes later Sir climbs into bed. He looks at me and says he wants to spank me tonight. I feel my blood rise and my panties soak. Sir tells me to grab the leather flail, my blindfold and meet him in the bathroom. He starts some music. We have to muffle the sound as much as possible. Those vanilla ears in our living room would never understand how Sir's dominance makes my panties wet. In our bathroom there's a step to get into the large tub. Sir tells me to kneel on the step, put my blindfold on and put my hands on the edge of the tub. I follow my orders and arch my back. As he brushes the leather strips across my skin he tells me I will count each hit and thank him. "Yes Sir" I respond. I'm a little nervous. The anticipation of the first hit always makes me nervous. Sir continues to caress my body as I take deep breathes. With every exhale I give him my submission. My body relaxes and I prepare myself for Sir to have his way with me. *smack* "one thank you Sir".  He caresses my voluptuous ass between each hit. *smack* "two Sir thank you". The hits feel so good I can't wait for the next one. The hits and the counting continue. Somewhere around 30 hits I start having a hard time remembering what number I'm on. My body is getting heavy and my arms are shaking but I don't want it to be over. Sir has come in front of me and put his delicious cock in my mouth. I suck his cock to the best of my ability in this state. I love pleasing my Sir with his cock in my mouth. He smacks my ass as I suck his cock. I forget to count and Sir hits my ass hard and tells me I need to still count. I say "sorry Sir" and count. Sir tells me to take a few deep breathes. He says he's going to put his cock in my mouth as far as he can and I will hold it as long as I can. I say "yes Sir" and take a few deep breathes. Sir slides his cock in my mouth and I hold still. After a few seconds I withdraw gasping for air. Gasping for air has never felt so erotic. Sir returns to stand behind me and continue the hits. The events are becoming a blur. I feel as though I might be reaching subspace but I'm not sure. I continue to count each hit but I don't really feel there. Around hit 44 or so Sir asks me how many more I think I deserve. "20 Sir" I respond quickly. Sir tells me how pleased he is with my response this time versus last time. "Thank you Sir" I say. *smack*... *smack**smack*.. The hits continued. Sir tells me to touch myself. I do as I am told and start touching my clit. I am barely holding on. I am practically laying in the tub but it feels so good I don't want Sir to think I can't handle anymore. So I pull myself back up and continue counting as well as playing with my clit. Sir comes in front of me again. I get to taste his delicious cock while he counts to give me my hits. I hold my breathe again he pushes deeper into my mouth. I withdraw and gasp for air. "Good Girl" Sir tells me. I love pleasing him. My body is even heavier but I push on. Sir returns to his spot behind me and tells me that I will cum by the time he is done. "Yes Sir" I respond. I do my best to obey. My pussy is so dry from all the activities the last few days and my body is so not my own right now. It was hard to concentrate. Twice Sir pulled me to him by my throat and I just felt myself melt into him. I didn't even care that it was hard to swallow while he had my throat. I ask Sir if I can have our we vibe to help with my orgasm. He hands it to me and it feels amazing and is definitely making a difference. I continue to count and caress my clit. We are closing in on the final number and I do not want to displease Sir. I forget the number I am on. Sir asks me and I make three wrong guesses. I get three extra hits because of it. Sir tells me not to forget again. I say "yes Sir". *smack* *smack* *smack* the hits continue. Finally second to last hit I beg Sir to let me release. He withholds for a little and finally gives me the ok. I orgasm and about collapse. Sir isn't done. I receive approximately 7 more hits before Sir tells me I am done. I slowly start standing up. Sir grabs me to make sure I don't fall. I walk slowly to bed and collapse. "Merry Christmas Sir. Best Christmas gift EVER!" I say. Sir climbs in next to me and we talk as I drift off. 

Sadly Mistaken (12/25/2013)

Sir and I just got home from spending the night at his dads. I was hoping he would want to play while we didn't have guests and the kids were sleeping. We sat in silence and he started re-watching the squirting orgasm video clip. I watched his groin area as it grew.

Sir was getting horny from the video and I was getting excited! :) 

I asked him if we were going to waste a nap time. He quickly responded no and off to the room we went. Sir told me to get naked and I did just that as he climbed into bed and laid down. Sir wanted me on top. I quickly climbed onto the bed and straddled Sir. Naturally my pussy started grinding against his full cock. I was so wet already just thinking about it that Sir penetrated right into my pussy. It felt so good. I then made the mistake of saying "so this is just going to be vanilla today?". Sir was confused and I think I regretted the words because what followed turned out to be far from vanilla. He asked me if it was vanilla because I was on top. I responded no Sir I was meaning he couldn't hold me down or spank me from the bottom. Sir quickly proved me wrong in the events that followed. Sir took my nipple into his mouth and began his gentle torcher then *smack* Sir gave my ass a good hit. *smack* *smack* two more hits one after the other while Sir was sucking on my other nipple. The sting along with the torcher of my nipples was a sensational feeling. Sir continues his combo of sucking/biting my nipple and smacking my ass. My breathing is heavy and I'm focusing on my pussy riding his delicious cock. Up and down it goes. Rubbing the tip of his cock on my clit. Riding his cock like a good submissive would. Working hard to please Sir. *smack* He brings me out of my concentration. Oh man I want to cum but I'm so wet I'm finding it hard. *smack* *smack* oh man Sir is taking me higher. The sting is making my pussy more wet with every hit. The torcher of riding Sir's cock, having my nipples torched and my ass smacked repeatedly continued. Sir grabbed my wrists and held me down so all I could do is move my hips. So I focused on riding his delicious cock and pleasing him.  I just melted into him and followed where he lead. I could feel the build up. "Oh yes Sir" I said as my hips moved faster on his cock. Then faster. Oh man I want Sir's hot cum inside me. Faster and faster we go. I can tell my Sir is close. He grabs my hips and makes me go faster then I can do on my own. *smack* one last good hit. Oh here it comes. Faster and faster. Sir lets out a low groan and releases himself inside as I release as well. Breathing heavy Sir looks at me and says "was that vanilla?". I quickly responded "no Sir" with what voice I could come up with. You can guarantee I probably won't be accusing Sir of being vanilla again.

Maybe Dirty Pt. 2 (12/24/2013)

You Decide!! ;)


Tonight I have learned about squirting orgasms. It was discussed a lot on the LK website and I am definitely intrigued and very turned on. Orgasms in themselves don't happen to most women or at least that's what has been said. So a squirting orgasm.. That's possible for anyone if you practice and maybe a wand..Lol.. You're kidding. Please tell me more. ;)

Sex in and of itself is a tough topic for me. I'm not in tune with my body. I don't know how to achieve the things I want and the list goes on. So reaching a full on orgasm is something I consider an accomplishment. Hitting subspace is so important to me right now and definitely on the bucket list. As of tonight a squirting orgasm is on that list too. By reaching an orgasm and even a squirting orgasm proves to me that I have allowed myself to relax enough and enjoy an extreme pleasure. Subspace just shows me that I not only completely trust Sir but that I have completely submitted to him as well. Now hitting both of those in one night might be emotional but I may never come down from cloud nine. :) 

I seriously could watching the squirting orgasm video clip that LK posted  over and over.. It's so HOT!!! 

http://littlekaninchen.com/squirting-orgasm/

Content (12/22/2013)

It's been 1 month 3 days since Sir and I started on this D/S journey. Let me just say.... I'M LOVING IT!!!! It was bumpy at the beginning. Some things were weird to say or do but we have been slowly working toward what works for us. I have also been trying to take more initiative with myself and the things I know Sir would like me to do without being told or forced. This lifestyle has also freed me of the things that were always stressing me out and keeping me down. I have become so content with my life and I find myself with a little hop in my step. In this short month I feel so different. 

At the beginning calling  my husband Sir was a little weird. I could do it during sex and texts but not any other time. Now even writing the word turns me on. Oh and let's not forget the sex. It's amazing and I'm practically begging for it and if Sir hasn't dominated me in the bedroom in awhile I start feeling sad. I have to laugh some times because I never thought any of those words would come out of my mouth. Also I have learned that I very very very very very much enjoy erotic spanking. The sting is practically blissful.  Man oh man just the thoughts of what Sir has done to me and what he could do to me is making me aroused. 

I do have to confess. Sir wanted me to suck his dick this morning and I was hesitant. I hate that I still have moments of hesitance. I know I'm practically a "newborn" at this but I expect more out of myself I guess. I did please Sir and in the end it was pleasing to me because I love the sounds he makes when I'm pleasing him. However I was upset with myself that I didn't jump the second Sir said go and I tried to wait it out and see if he would tell me later. It's ridiculous. That's not what I want my mind to think and I am thankful Sir didn't let me off the hook too easily. 


I'm excited for what the future holds and I can't wait until every part of me is "good to go" 24/7 so Sir can take me anytime and practically anywhere. I cannot wait for the next time Sir takes me as he sees fit. It's so blissful. Sir is so good to me. :)

Pissed!!! (12/20/2013)

Sir decided to request that I take the initiative to seduce him tomorrow and make him cum. Taking the initiative isn't something I am good at and when I'm not good at something i am not confident or comfortable with it. I gave a crappy response and explained I wasn't comfortable but before making it any worse I decide I would just go to bed. Sir called me back and proceeded to have a vanilla like argument. He then decided he didn't like the conversation and punished me by making me sleep naked. He accused me of being in the wrong and took no responsibility for his part in the direction of the conversation. Now I am laying her naked, crying and wanting to scream "fuck you".. I feel like his dominance lies only in the bedroom and when he decides to be dominant outside of the bedroom it sounds controlling.. The one thing I hate about this so far is that it's not enough for me but to much attention to detail for him. Trying to find the balance is effing ridiculous.. At this moment in time my body hasn't had sufficient resting time in between activities and it's worn out but I'm still expected to perform. Ugh I'm such a mess right now and I feel like he could give a shit less which is far from how I want this relationship to be and what's even worse then that is having no one to vent to about it and getting an immediate response. So I'm just going to cry myself to sleep and deal with it because there's really nothing else I can do I guess. I have never been so mad an being able to do nothing which just makes me more mad and makes me want to hit something. Having a really hard time laying here trying to calm down and not make it worse. 

Dirty Pt. 1 (12/21/2013)

All I have to say is.. YES SIR!! 

Lately anal sex with Sir has been amazing and I truly can't get enough. I want to practice all the time until my ass is in shape that Sir can take it every day if that's what he wants. 

I am trying to let my mind free to wander and roam and be as dirty as I want. When you've lived your life thinking the word penis is funny and even the thought of talking about sex makes you uncomfortable letting your mind wander to dirty dirty things is a little uneasy. But I want to because I know it would please Sir very much. 

Hopefully after work Sir wants to use the new cuffs and fuck my ass. Maybe I will ask. 

12/21/2013

My dream is to be able to kneel before my Sir without being asked to and not feel weird. I want him to know how much pleasing him means to me. 

Oh boy oh boy we got our cuffs today and I can't wait until Sir tries them out. I wonder if it'll be tomorrow. He's as excited as I am so I'm sure it will be tomorrow. Of course as long as it pleases him. 

Indecisive

I am extremely indecisive about practically everything. It not only drives me nuts but it drives Sir nuts too. If he doesn't give me a straight answer about something I ask him and he leaves me to decide for myself or contemplate it I turn into a ball of mess. 

I do try and go back to Sir about it but sometimes I still get the same results even if I tell him I need a direct answer. 

I really hate this about myself. I try not to hate anything about me because it's me and I wouldn't change me... Well I wouldn't change most of me.... 

I am currently in a one of these indecisive moments. Sir hasn't really given me a direct answer and I have talked with him about it at least 5 times this past week. I keep trying to blow it off because it isn't that important but it keeps creeping in and interrupting my day. I am also sick of bringing it up to Sir which is another reason I am just trying to forget it for now. 

I feel my need for him to make so many decisions for me gets to be annoying to him some times especially with everything going on. I know he would never say that and probably doesn't even feel that way but I can't help but feel that I'm too much sometimes. Yes he is the Dom and he makes the final decision and I should never feel bad about asking. At the same time when I was growing up I would stress about asking for basic necessities so asking for something other then necessity is even harder for me. 

Just another thing I am working through. Lol

Three Month Anniversary

Three months ago yesterday Sir and I started this adventure into D/s-M. It hasn't been easy and its hasn't been hard. Its overall been an adjustment that sometimes I don't feel is happening fast enough. :)


In the last three months I have learned that I like impact, I miss playtime, I can become an irate child when I don't feel Sir is doing what I think he should, I enjoy kneeling and have come to find it is calming for me, I received my first pair of daytime cuffs and wear them with pride and I have recently learned that I may be a babygirl (still researching that one). Most of all I love my submission. I love how it makes me feel what it has done for my marriage and how better things have gotten in just a few short months versus the years and years of trying other things more "normal". Don't get me wrong we are still learning and still have lots too learn. 

My desire for the next month is to continue to work at my submissive mindset as well as continue researching my possible babygirl side. 

I am so blessed that my Sir found this lifestyle so early in our marriage. We now have so so so many full years ahead of us and I cannot wait to experience them all and then look back and reflect on how far we have come. I wouldn't change anything about where we are, where we've come from and where we are going! 

The Beginning

This is a start to a new adventure!!! 


Today I started my first blog and hopefully I can keep up with it. Might have to talk to Sir about making it a ritual or a rule or apart of my schedule. Something so I keep up on it and don't let my thoughts get so jumbled again. 


I am excited and scared for this new journey. Writing down my thoughts on paper is one thing. I am the only one who will see them besides Sir. Now I am putting them out in the open for others to find and that in itself is a little scary for me. However I am excited because I want to share my journey with others. I want to rejoice in the accomplishments, encourage during the tough times and jump for joy just because we can!! :)


So stick around and see how crazy I really am! ;D