My Submission (02/14/2014)

I started this awhile ago but all I got was a title. Trying to define those words "my submission" is proving to be hard for me. From the start I never wanted to seem fake or look like a wanna-be. My biggest fear in life is to be perceived as fake. 

I want this life!!!

I want to be submissive!!!

When we started this three short months ago it changed my life over night. Just saying that I wanted to be my Sir's submissive released so much stress and weight off my shoulders. Asking permission for purchases or having guidelines made waking up and doing what needed to be done so much easier. At the beginning I wasn't a fan of kneeling. Then it became so calming to kneel. Then there were times where I just felt the need to kneel at Sir's feet and have him caress my hair. The feeling of being at his feet and having him caress my hair calmed any emotions that could have been building up in the background. I found myself not being able to go without touching him every day. Before this there were days where we had very little contact. Now I itch to touch him even if it's just our feet. 

I know that this slightly contradicts my frustrated post. Lol. Prior to my Sir getting sick the above paragraph is how life was. It was amazing!!!! In January Sir was diagnosed with a second hernia and slowly I feel as though I am loosing sight of my submission and what it means to me. I keep trying to understand what I want but I have the hardest time finding the right words for anything or shutting off my brain long enough to focus on my submission. 

I read a post today that has me in fear that I'm fake. That feeling alone isn't helping me but I don't know what I'm doing anymore or how to do it. Some would say this is a spiral and I need a reset and I may agree I just don't know if it would actually help. 

However back to my submission. Regardless of how I feel at the moment or what's going on I want this life too bad to let go so easily. If it means I have to wander in the dark for a little while longer I will do just that until I see that light that puts it all back into place for me. 

I love being Sir's Sotto. I love being his possession. He always takes good care of me and he always knows what's best. I love giving myself to him for his pleasure. I love pleasing him. My whole life makes sense when I am on my knees in front of him. I love the release Sir gives me when he spanks me. Sir knows me best and always knows how to deal with all the different sides of me. I honestly don't think I could ever go back to a regular vanilla life. I believe that acknowledgment in itself means to me I can't be fake. (Overtime you will learn I don't have a lot of confidence in myself.. Lol) 

As a newbie I am just trying to figure out what all this truly means to me and leave all the possible different sides to me. Sorry this post is slightly a roller coaster ride of back and forth. Lol.